Colossians teaches husbands and wives to put Jesus at the center of their marriage. In Colossians 3:18-19, Paul tells wives to submit to their husbands “as is fitting in the Lord” and tells husbands to love their wives and never be harsh with them. In the Roman world, where husbands held nearly all the power, these words were revolutionary. Wives are addressed as people who freely choose, and husbands are held accountable to love. A good marriage is one that honors Jesus.
Setting the Scene in Colossians 3:18-19
The previous passage described the new community Jesus creates, where people forgive, love, and do everything in his name (Colossians 3:12-17). Paul summed it up with one sweeping sentence.
Colossians 3:17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Now Paul applies that principle to the most important relationships of daily life: marriage, parenting, and work (Colossians 3:18-4:1). Scholars call passages like this “household codes,” a term from the German Haustafeln. Discussions of household management were common in the ancient world. The Greek philosopher Aristotle, for example, organized the household around three pairs: husband and wife, father and children, master and slave. Paul uses the same three pairs, but he changes almost everything about how they work.
In Roman society, the male head of the household, the paterfamilias, held enormous legal power over his family. Wives typically had little formal education and depended on their husbands for most of life. Ancient writers usually addressed only the man in charge and told him how to manage the people under him. Paul does something different. He speaks directly to wives, children, and slaves as morally responsible people, and he places obligations on husbands, fathers, and masters. And he repeatedly grounds everything in “the Lord.” Jesus, not culture, gets the final word on what marriage looks like.
Marriage Was God’s Idea
Before we look at Paul’s instructions, it helps to remember where marriage came from. In Genesis 2, God saw that it was not good for the man to be alone and made the woman as a suitable partner. Adam’s first recorded words are a poem of delight (Genesis 2:23). Then comes God’s design for marriage: a man leaves his father and mother, is united to his wife, and the two become one flesh (Genesis 2:24). Jesus quoted that verse when he taught that marriage is meant to last for life (Mark 10:6-9).
That matters, because every culture has its own assumptions about marriage. Ancient Rome had one set; modern culture has another. As the supreme head over everything (Colossians 1:18), Jesus has the right to critique all of them. Christian teacher Paul Tripp has observed that the deepest problem in our marriages is not first that we don’t love each other enough, but that we don’t love God enough. When Jesus is first, marriage falls into its proper place.
Wives: Submission That Is Fitting in the Lord
Paul addresses wives first.
Colossians 3:18 Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
“Submit” is not a popular word today. In a mixed martial arts fight, you submit when someone has you in a chokehold. That isn’t what Paul means. The Greek word hypotassō means to arrange yourself under, to voluntarily yield or defer. Paul uses a form that emphasizes the wife’s own choice. Notice what he doesn’t say. He tells children and slaves to obey (Colossians 3:20, 22), but he never tells wives to obey their husbands. And he never tells husbands to make their wives submit. This is something a wife offers freely, as an expression of her allegiance to Jesus.
Submission is also not just for wives. In the parallel passage in Ephesians, Paul introduces his instructions to wives and husbands with a command for every believer.
Ephesians 5:21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Humility and putting others first are expected of all Christians (Philippians 2:3-4; 1 Peter 5:5). Even Jesus, who is fully God, submitted himself to the Father’s will. Submission doesn’t imply inferiority. Paul is clear that men and women are equally valuable and equally united in Christ (Galatians 3:28). For more on this, see What Does It Mean to Submit to Your Husband?.
Christians have understood this verse in different ways. Many, often called complementarians, believe God gives husbands a unique responsibility of loving, servant leadership in the home, and wives honor Jesus by respecting that role. Others, often called egalitarians, emphasize mutual submission and see Paul’s words as a wise strategy for Christian households within Roman culture, a first step toward full partnership. Both views affirm the equal worth of husbands and wives, and both reject domination. The sermon behind this study leans toward the first view, while noting that couples live it out in many ways, often by discovering their direction together.
Whatever the view, “as is fitting in the Lord” sets boundaries. A wife’s first loyalty is to Jesus, so she is never called to join in sin. And Scripture never requires anyone to stay in danger or submit to abuse. If you are being harmed, seek safety and get help from trusted people, your church, and the authorities.
Husbands: Love Without Harshness
Paul’s instructions are not one-sided. He turns immediately to husbands.
Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
In the ancient world, love was not usually considered the foundation of marriage. Marriages were often arranged for family, property, and children. Affection was a welcome bonus, not an expectation. So it is striking that Paul’s main instruction to husbands is not “lead,” “rule,” or “take charge,” but love. The word is agapaō, the self-giving love God shows us. Ephesians spells out what that looks like.
Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…
A husband’s model is Jesus, who gave up his life for his people. That means a Christian husband can’t demand his rights or say, “Submit to me.” His job is to love his wife so well, and serve her so faithfully, that she feels safe and cherished. Paul adds one very practical command: do not be harsh. The Greek word carries the idea of becoming bitter or resentful. It rules out intimidation, threats, and anger, and it also warns against nursing irritation over years of small disappointments. Anything harsh, violent, or demeaning is the opposite of what Jesus asks.
Marriages That Make Us Like Jesus
Marriage is a source of great joy, but it takes work, and sometimes we don’t feel like trying. Paul’s motivation is the same for both spouses: Jesus. In this short household section, Paul mentions “the Lord” again and again. We love and serve our spouse because Jesus first loved and served us. The patience, forgiveness, and love Paul described a few verses earlier (Colossians 3:12-14) are tested in marriage more than anywhere else.
There is a temptation in a passage like this. Husbands tend to read the verse for wives, and wives tend to read the verse for husbands. If you walk away with a list of things your spouse needs to fix, you’ve missed the point. God wants each of us to look at our own role and ask how we can honor Jesus there.
What This Means for Us
These verses don’t prop up a culture of male dominance, and they don’t erase the differences between husbands and wives. They put both under the authority of Jesus. In a world where marriage is often treated as a contract to keep only as long as it serves us, Colossians invites us to see marriage as a place to worship God by serving another person. For a topical overview of these ideas, see How Jesus Transforms Marriage.
If you’re single, these verses still matter. They shape what you look for in a future spouse and how you support the marriages around you. If your marriage is struggling, don’t try to fix it alone. Mature believers, mentors, and counselors can help. And if you’re married, start by asking a simple question: does the way I treat my spouse honor Jesus?
The Takeaway
What does Colossians teach husbands and wives? Wives are invited to submit freely, as is fitting in the Lord, and husbands are commanded to love sacrificially and never be harsh. In a culture where husbands held all the power, Jesus changed the rules. When both spouses put him first, marriage becomes a place where we grow more like him.
