When Jesus is supreme in a family, children obey their parents because it pleases the Lord, and parents raise their children without crushing their spirit. In Colossians 3:20-21, Paul speaks directly to kids and then to fathers. In the Roman world, children were legally under their father’s nearly unlimited power. Paul’s words gave children dignity and placed real limits on parents. Christian families aren’t perfect, but they can look different because Jesus is at the center.
Setting the Scene in Colossians 3:20-21
Paul is in the middle of the household section of Colossians, where he applies the supremacy of Jesus to everyday relationships. He has just addressed husbands and wives (Colossians 3:18-19). Next he will speak to slaves and masters (Colossians 3:22-4:1). In between, he turns to parents and children.
All of this flows from Colossians 3:17: whatever we do, we do it in the name of the Lord Jesus. The big picture of Colossians is that Jesus is supreme over all creation and the church (Colossians 1:15-20). If that’s true, he’s also supreme over the dinner table, the car ride to school, and the argument over curfew.
Children in the Roman World
To feel the force of these verses, we need to know what childhood was like in the first century. Roman law gave the father, the paterfamilias, a power called patria potestas. In theory, it gave him authority over his children as long as he lived, even after they were grown. Children could be disciplined harshly, put to work, sold, and, at least in older Roman law, even put to death. By Paul’s day the most extreme powers were rarely used, but the attitude behind them remained.
Unwanted newborns, especially girls and babies with disabilities, were often abandoned to die, a practice called exposure. The Roman philosopher Seneca, a contemporary of Paul, mentioned the drowning of weak or deformed infants almost in passing. Against that background, early Christians stood out. Writings like the Didache, an early Christian manual, condemned killing newborns, and believers became known for rescuing abandoned babies. Jesus had already shown how much children matter to God when he welcomed them into his arms (Mark 10:13-16).
Notice another detail. Paul speaks to children directly. Letters like Colossians were read aloud to the whole church, so the kids were sitting right there listening. Paul treats them as real members of the church, able to make choices that please the Lord.
Children, Obey Your Parents
Paul’s instruction to children is short and clear.
Colossians 3:20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
The Greek word for obey, hypakouō, literally means to “hear under.” It’s the idea of listening attentively and responding. Every parent knows how good kids can be at selective hearing. They can hear a friend from down the block but not a parent in the next room. God’s design is for children to listen and follow their parents’ direction.
This wasn’t a new idea. It is built into the Ten Commandments.
Exodus 20:12 Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.
Paul points out in Ephesians 6:2 that this is the first commandment with a promise. But in Colossians, the motivation is personal: obedience pleases the Lord. Kids can be motivated by fear of punishment or by hope of reward, and both have their place. The most lasting motivation, though, is relationship. Children who love Jesus obey their parents because they want to make him happy. That kind of obedience brings peace to a home and can even be a powerful witness to parents who don’t yet follow Jesus.
“In everything” is a general rule, not an absolute one. Paul is writing to Christian households, and in Ephesians he says children should obey their parents “in the Lord” (Ephesians 6:1). Children are never required to sin because a parent tells them to. And no child is required to accept abuse. Scripture never requires anyone to stay in danger. If you are being hurt at home, tell a trusted adult, a teacher, a pastor, or the authorities and get help.
Parents, Don’t Embitter Your Children
Then Paul turns to parents.
Colossians 3:21 Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
Paul addresses fathers because they held the power in Roman households, but the word can also refer to parents in general. It is used that way of Moses’ parents in Hebrews 11:23. The verb Paul uses means to provoke, irritate, or exasperate. The result he warns about is a child who becomes discouraged, literally one who loses heart and stops trying.
This doesn’t mean parents should never frustrate their kids. Every loving parent sets limits that children don’t like. Kids need boundaries and consequences. The problem is constant nagging, harshness, and coming down so hard that a child’s spirit is crushed.
Parents can embitter children in several ways. Some ignore them, providing a roof and meals but never real attention. Others indulge them, giving them whatever they want until they grow up entitled and unable to handle disappointment. Still others insult them with put-downs that leave lasting scars. Parents can also push kids away from Jesus by making rules with no good reason, by living as hypocrites who say “do as I say, not as I do,” or by preaching constantly without ever listening. At the other extreme are parents who never point their children to Jesus at all. In the parallel passage, Paul gives the positive side.
Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
The goal of Christian parenting isn’t just a safe, successful, well-educated child, as important as those things are. The greatest goal is to help children know and pursue God for themselves. Children are “a heritage from the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents can make time for them, invest in them, encourage them, and above all model what they hope to see. If you want your kids to pursue God, pursue him yourself.
Imperfect Families Need Prayer
Every family is imperfect. Christian parents lose their temper, and Christian kids rebel. That’s why these instructions belong right after Paul’s call to forgive as the Lord forgave us (Colossians 3:13). When relationships between parents and children are broken, restoration usually begins with honest evaluation, moves to confession, and continues by asking for forgiveness. Parents who humbly apologize to their kids teach them something powerful about the gospel.
A few verses later, Paul gives a command that fits every family.
Colossians 4:2 Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.
Parents can pray that their kids will obey out of a growing relationship with Jesus. Kids can pray that their parents will lead them well and point them to God. And families can talk about these verses together. Prayer reminds everyone that Jesus, not Mom or Dad, is the true head of the home.
What This Means for Us
These verses invite us to ask a question many of us rarely ask: What pleases God? Much of our prayer life focuses on asking God to please us. Colossians turns that around. Family relationships matter deeply to God because he is a relational God who designed the family in the first place.
If you’re a child or teen, honoring your parents is one of the clearest ways to show that Jesus is Lord of your life. If you’re a parent, ask whether Jesus is a part of your family’s life or the center of it. And if you carry wounds from your own childhood, Jesus offers healing and a new family in his church. Your past doesn’t have to define your family’s future.
The Takeaway
How does Jesus change the way parents and children relate? Children obey their parents because it pleases the Lord, and parents avoid crushing their children’s spirit, raising them instead to know God. In a world where children were property, Paul gave them dignity. When Jesus is at the center, families become places of honor, encouragement, and grace.
