When People Make You Anxious

Philippians 4 is the anxiety chapter of the Bible. The most famous verses are 6 and 7, where Paul reveals the secret of replacing the anxiety cycle with the peace cycle. Verse 8 explains how to overcome ruinous rumination by fixing your thoughts on better things. But all of this comes in the shadow of perhaps the most obscure verses in the entire book:

Philippians 4:2-3 (NLT) Now I appeal to Euodia and Syntyche. Please, because you belong to the Lord, settle your disagreement. And I ask you, my true partner, to help these two women, for they worked hard with me in telling others the Good News. 

Paul is referencing here another type of anxiety all too common in the church and in our homes: relational anxiety. Apparently these two women had a serious disagreement. To Paul, it was a big enough deal that he included it in scripture! It should be a big deal to us as well. So let’s talk about four practical steps to settling disagreements and overcoming relational anxiety.

Commit to being a peace-maker.

Every family and organization has a set of core values, whether they are plastered on walls or simply embedded in the hearts and minds of the members. The early church was no different, and one of its values is summarized best here:

Romans 12:17 (NLT) Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.

For early Christians, relationships mattered. Reconciliation was at a premium, inspired in large part by the gospel message itself. Through Jesus, God had reconciled with humanity. In his church, Gentiles and Jews were commanded to tear down cultural barriers and become a united people. The theme appears throughout the New Testament, to include earlier in Paul’s letter to the church in Philippi:

Philippians 2:1-2 (NLT) Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.

This gives us context for Paul’s message to Euodia and Syntyche in chapter 4. Why go through the trouble of reconciliation? Why not just bail on the relationship? Paul makes the reason clear: “because you belong to the Lord.” Christians are peace-makers because Jesus was a peace-maker. It’s a core value for followers of Christ.

Put yourself in their shoes.

So how do you start? What’s the first step in biblical reconciliation? Try this: put yourself in their shoes. Resist the urge to get in your box and point fingers. Follow the example of Christ:

Philippians 2:4 (NLT) Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

This is hard and unnatural. Who does this? By nature we’re all trained to think about conflict from our own perspectives. We give ourselves the benefit of the doubt and we extend little grace to others. They do the same thing to us, and the disagreement only gets more unsettling.

So try this instead: think about it from their perspective. Play over the conversation in your head and try to articulate the problem in their words. How would you feel in their position? Stop fixating on what they’ve done wrong. Look in the mirror instead. Pray this prayer:

Psalm 139:23-24 (NLT) Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

When you put yourself in someone else’s shoes, you open the door to self-awareness and humility. That puts you in the place to take the next step toward settling your disagreement.

Talk to them, not about them.

In conflict, it’s far easier to talk about someone than it is to talk directly to them. When you gossip, you seek out someone who will take your side. You triangulate and look for a “yes man” who will confirm that you’re right and the other person is wrong.

But as soon as you do this, you’re wrong. Even if you were right to start with.

It’s called the “Matthew 18 Protocol,” and it comes straight from the mouth of Jesus. It’s a principle for dealing with conflict that very few Christians apply to their relationships. 

Matthew 18:15-16 If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again….

Jesus believed that every human is created in the image of God. This is the basis for his conflict protocol. People matter to God, so they should matter to you. Don’t gossip. Reach out and make attempts at peace, especially if they have sinned against you.

This might mean compromise. It might require forgiving them without them even asking for it. It might mean taking more responsibility than you think you deserve. But it’s worth it, because people are worth it. Paul captured the sentiment here: 

Romans 12:9-10 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.

Honoring someone in the middle of conflict means talking to them, not about them. And that means preparing yourself for one final step.

Be ready to absorb the offense.

Sometimes the Matthew 18 Protocol opens the door to a miracle. Both people hear each other out. Apologies are offered and hugs are exchanged. The disagreement is settled! 

But sometimes it doesn’t work. 

The hardest part of reconciliation is when it doesn’t go as planned. You try to be the bigger person, but the conflict continues. You don’t see eye-to-eye. Apologies are not offered. Hurts remain. What happens then? 

When you’ve done all that you can to make peace and the conflict remains, there’s only one option left: you have to absorb the offense.

This is what Jesus did for us on the cross. He absorbed the wrath we deserved for our sin and took it upon Himself.

Philippians 2:5-8 (NLT) You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.

Jesus emptied Himself of all His rights as God to come and walk among us. He chose humility. He chose sacrifice. He saw the bigger picture. 

When we understand all that Jesus endured for us, we can choose to forgive. We can pray for those that have hurt us and look for ways to make peace. 

Romans 12:14 (NLT) Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them.

1 John 4:7-8 (NLT) Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.