Four Boundary Markers In Marriage

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Boundary markers show us where one property ends and another begins. Here’s the paradox: recognizing those markers in marriage will make for a better union, not a more disjointed one. In this lesson we talk about four major areas where healthy couples set up boundary markers.

Marriage doesn’t mean you lose your identity or that being one means you have no sense of self. You do! You should!
Conflict in marriage often comes when one infringes on the other’s boundaries and tries to control the spouse. Or when we make our spouse responsible for our feelings or meeting our unspoken desires.

How You Feel

Your spouse can’t control how you feel. That’s on you. You are responsible for your emotions and you have to be brave enough to articulate them to your spouse. (Law of Responsibility)

You can express how your spouse’s actions affect you but your angry outburst or silent punishment is your choice.
Steady Eddie vs Roller Coaster
You don’t need to run cover for your spouse’s moodiness or angry outbursts. They are responsible for their own actions. And, we need to loving confront our spouse when they are manipulative or toxic.
The doormat (compliant) vs. The bulldozer (controller)

What You Expect

The Law of exposure says you need to voice your desires and needs so your spouse can get on the same page. Your spouse can’t read your mind so you have to share your expectations and be ready to compromise.

The vault vs. the over-sharer
You can’t punish your spouse for unwritten rules.

The Work You Do

You can’t do everything for everyone, so be honest with your spouse about your limitations.

Go-getter vs. Video-gamer
The people pleaser

Your Time Together

You don’t have to spend all your time together. It’s okay to ask for some free time.

It’s good to have personal hobbies apart from your spouse.. It’s okay to enjoy time apart. Being one doesn’t mean you lose all sense of self.
Introvert vs. Extrovert

The Takeaway

Boundary markers show us where one property ends and another begins. Here’s the paradox: recognizing those markers in marriage will make for a better union, not a more disjointed one. It takes two people with tender, responsive hearts to make a marriage great.

Talking Points:

Boundary markers show us where one property ends and another begins. Here’s the paradox: recognizing those markers in marriage will make for a better union, not a more disjointed one.
Your spouse can’t control how you feel. That’s on you. You are responsible for your emotions and you have to be brave enough to articulate them to your spouse.
The Law of exposure says you need to voice your desires and needs so your spouse can get on the same page. Your spouse can’t read your mind so you have to share your expectations and be ready to compromise.
Work: You can’t do everything for everyone so be honest with your spouse about your limitations.
Time: You don’t have to spend all your time together. It’s okay to ask for some free time.
It takes two people with tender, responsive hearts to make a marriage great.

Discussion:

Share about a couple whose marriage you admire and respect. What do you notice is different about their relationship from most marriages? How do you feel your marriage compares?
Have you tried to blame your spouse for your feelings in the past? Explain. How have you tried to manage your spouse’s feelings? Why won’t that work?
Share a time your spouse missed meeting one of your expectations. How did that make you feel? How could you better articulate what you want or need?
How do you differ from your spouse in terms of work ethic? How would clarifying boundaries help alleviate conflict in this area?
Do you and your spouse have individual interests? Explain. How can you free your spouse to pursue those interests more? How can your spouse give you the gift of free time?
Read Ephesians 5:25-26. Jesus demonstrated selfless love for us. How does this challenge you to love your spouse sacrificially? What does that look like for you? How are boundaries a useful tool in loving your spouse well?

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