If you’ve just discovered that your spouse had an affair, there is still a way forward. Start by taking time to process your emotions before making big decisions. Seek wise counsel from trusted people. When you’re ready, talk honestly with your spouse and be clear about what it will take to rebuild trust. Finally, choose to forgive, giving your spouse room to earn back your trust.
There Is a Way Forward
You’ve just learned devastating news, and the world may feel like it’s spinning. The person who promised to love you more than anyone has betrayed you. You may feel shock, anger, grief, or numbness, sometimes all in the same hour. Those feelings are normal. And even though you may feel hopeless right now, you can have a future where you trust your spouse again.
Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
If you are ever in danger or facing abuse, get to a safe place and reach out for help right away. Otherwise, here are five steps to help you move toward healing.
1. Take a Deep Breath
It’s wise to take time to process your initial emotions. You don’t need to make any major decisions right now. Give yourself time and space to absorb what you’ve learned. You may find that you want more information as the days go by, and that’s okay. Grief comes in waves. For a look at how grief works, read JoAnn’s Story: The Stages of Grief.
2. Seek Wise Counsel
You need support right now. Lean on trusted friends, mentors, a pastor, or a Christian counselor. Talk with them about your thoughts and feelings, and get help deciding what information you need to know now and what can wait.
Proverbs 15:22 Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.
Choose your counselors wisely. Don’t just talk to people who will tell you what you want to hear. Include people who believe in a hopeful future for your marriage.
3. Talk to Your Spouse
You’ll have many conversations, but be ready for the big one: “Where do we go from here?” Keep these things in mind:
- Use feelings language instead of an accusing tone.
- Be honest about your hurt and how motivated you are to work on the marriage.
- Be clear about emotional and physical boundaries.
- Come with a plan in mind.
Ephesians 4:26-27 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
Anger is a natural response to betrayal. The Bible doesn’t say anger is wrong, but it warns us not to let anger lead us into sin.
4. Be Clear About What You Need
Your main responsibility at this point is to be clear about what it will take for your spouse to earn back your trust. The more specific you can be, the better for both of you. Talk about expectations for how your spouse spends their time, access to their phone and social media, and honesty in answering your questions.
5. Choose to Forgive
Forgiveness is a proactive choice. It doesn’t mean excusing what your spouse did or letting them off the hook. It means turning your heart toward a hopeful future and giving your spouse room to earn your trust.
Ephesians 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Forgiveness may be a choice you have to make every day for a while. That’s normal. Each day, you can ask God to help you set aside bitterness and notice the positive steps your spouse is taking. You don’t have to do this in your own strength.
Proverbs 16:3 Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.
The Takeaway
Discovering your spouse’s affair is devastating, but there is a way forward. Take time to breathe, seek wise counsel, talk honestly with your spouse, be clear about what you need, and choose to forgive. God is close to the brokenhearted, and he can give you the strength to take each step.
