If you had an affair, it’s not too late to change course and fight for your marriage. Start by owning your mistakes completely, without blaming your spouse. Seek wise counsel from people who will encourage you to save your marriage. Prepare for honest conversations, stay humble when your spouse expresses hurt, and work hard to earn back trust through transparency and clear boundaries.
It’s Not Too Late
If you’ve been unfaithful, you may feel ashamed, defensive, or hopeless. But God offers forgiveness to everyone who turns to him, and your marriage can be rebuilt. It will take time, humility, and hard work. Here are five steps to open the door to a healthier marriage with a spouse who can trust you again.
1. Own Up to Your Mistakes
Tell your spouse the whole story. Don’t make them drag it out of you one question at a time. And owning up means more than admitting you had an affair. It means taking responsibility for the thoughts, justifications, excuses, and lack of boundaries that led you there.
Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
It will be tempting to blame your spouse for being emotionally or physically distant. But the truth is, you could have made other choices to address the problems in your marriage. You chose an affair instead. Let go of your excuses and own the decisions you made. To understand the difference between real repentance and just feeling bad, read What’s the Difference Between Godly Sorrow and Worldly Sorrow?
2. Seek Wise Counsel
You need trusted people to process with who aren’t your spouse. Your spouse is wrestling with their own pain and can’t be your sounding board right now. A pastor, Christian counselor, or mature friend can help you reflect honestly and prepare your heart to fight for your marriage.
James 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
Choose your counselors carefully. Avoid people who will tell you your marriage is a lost cause or that you should just follow your heart. Look for people who will challenge you and encourage you to do the hard work of reconciliation.
3. Have Fruitful Conversations
You and your spouse will have many difficult talks. When the conversation turns to “Where do we go from here?” be ready. Keep these things in mind:
- Use ownership language, not victim language.
- Speak words of life and commitment to your marriage.
- Come with a plan for how you will earn back trust.
- Listen carefully to what your spouse needs, whether that’s space, time, or specific requests.
4. Stay Humble
In these conversations, your job is to receive feedback without getting defensive. Let your spouse express hurt, anger, and even disgust. Don’t make excuses or try to shift the focus. Every time you respond with humility, you show your spouse that you truly own what you did. For help with this, see Four Roadblocks to an Apology.
5. Work Hard to Earn Trust
This is the key to getting your marriage back on track. Instead of dwelling on the past, focus on the changes you’re committed to making. Let your spouse tell you what they need to see. Some common first steps include:
- Clearly and completely ending the other relationship, and letting your spouse see that communication.
- Giving your spouse full access to your phone, email, and social media.
- Avoiding contact with the other person, even if it means changing jobs or routines.
- Setting clear boundaries with members of the opposite sex.
Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
Don’t rush the process. Your spouse gets to set the timeline. Be patient, stay humble, and keep fighting for your marriage.
The Takeaway
If you had an affair, it’s not too late to save your marriage. Own your mistakes without blaming your spouse, seek wise counsel, prepare for honest conversations, stay humble, and work hard to earn back trust. Trust is rebuilt slowly, but with God’s help and your consistent faithfulness, healing is possible.
