If you have an unbelieving wife, or a wife who has walked away from her faith, you lead by praying faithfully, letting your actions speak louder than your words, and choosing your battles wisely. It isn’t your job to change her heart. That’s the Holy Spirit’s work. Your job is to stay faithful, love her the way Christ loves the church, and fight for your marriage as long as she’s willing to stay.
A Hard Place to Lead
In the previous lesson, we looked at leading when your wife seems further along in her faith. This situation is harder. Maybe you came to faith after you were married and your wife hasn’t. Maybe she once followed Jesus but has walked away. Either way, it’s easy to feel discouraged, frustrated, or alone. How do you stay faithful as a spiritual leader when your spouse isn’t following Christ?
Stay in Your Lane and Pray
Your role is to love her and point her to Jesus. Changing her heart is God’s role.
John 16:8 When he comes, he will prove the world to be in the wrong about sin and righteousness and judgment.
One of the hardest things for men to remember is staying in their lane. You can’t argue, guilt, or pressure your wife into faith. But you can pray:
- Pray for the Holy Spirit to soften her heart and draw her to Jesus.
- Pray for God to bring believers into her life who will also point her to him.
- Pray for strength to stay the course and fight for your marriage.
Paul gave clear direction to believers married to unbelievers.
1 Corinthians 7:12-14 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
If your wife is willing to stay, God calls you to stay too. Your faithful presence matters, for her and for your children. (For more, see What Does It Mean to Be Unequally Yoked in Marriage?)
Let Your Actions Speak Louder Than Your Words
Peter wrote to wives with unbelieving husbands, but the principle applies both ways.
1 Peter 3:1-2 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
Then he turned to husbands.
1 Peter 3:7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
The way you treat your wife affects your prayer life. If you’re praying for God to soften her heart while your words and actions push her away, you’re working against your own prayers. Show her love, grace, and consistency. Serve her the way Christ serves the church. If you want to lead her, serve her.
Pick Your Battles
Not every issue has to be a fight. If everything is black and white, your wife will feel like she’s living with a dictator. You need discernment to know when to stand firm and when to bend.
There are non-negotiables in following Jesus. He said his followers must love him more than anyone, even family (Luke 14:26-27). You can’t compromise God’s truth to avoid conflict. At the same time, don’t expect someone who doesn’t know Jesus to live like she does (1 Corinthians 5:12). There’s also a difference between leading your wife and leading your children. With your kids, you may need to take a firm stand on church and spiritual boundaries. With your wife, leadership requires patience and grace, not force.
If Your Wife Is in Rebellion
If your wife says she follows Jesus but is living in clear, ongoing sin, Scripture gives a process.
Matthew 18:15-17 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”
Don’t handle it alone. Start with a private, humble conversation. If that doesn’t work, involve mature believers and your church leaders.
Fight for Your Marriage
Ultimately, your responsibility is faithfulness. You can’t control your wife’s heart, but you can control your response. “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). Scripture does acknowledge a painful reality.
1 Corinthians 7:15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.
If your wife insists on leaving, you aren’t bound. But as long as she stays, fight for your marriage with prayer, love, and a Christ-centered example. If you’re struggling, get help from a pastor or Christian counselor.
The Takeaway
Leading an unbelieving wife is hard, but you aren’t responsible for changing her heart. Pray faithfully, love and serve her well, pick your battles, follow the biblical process if she’s in rebellion, and fight for your marriage as long as she’s willing to stay.
https://www.pursuegod.org/lead-anyway/
