Click for Shownotes

Conflict Is Inevitable — How You Handle It Matters

Every couple has disagreements. The goal isn’t to avoid them but to handle them wisely. A great way to do that is to schedule time each week to talk about just one area of conflict. Don’t wait for an argument to erupt — plan ahead and talk calmly.

Proverbs 12:18
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Proverbs 18:2
A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.

Psalm 19:14
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

The “State of the Union” Meeting

Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman calls this a “State of the Union” meeting. It’s a weekly check-in where couples intentionally connect, celebrate what’s going well, and address one ongoing issue before it grows. Gottman’s research shows that couples who make this a regular habit have much stronger emotional bonds and far fewer destructive arguments.

Start with Positivity

Start by locking off one hour in your week. Before you talk about the tough stuff, begin by sharing five compliments about your spouse. This step softens the atmosphere and reminds you both that you’re allies, not enemies.

Focus on One Issue

Then, pick one issue to discuss. Decide who will start as the speaker and who will be the listener. After the first person shares, switch roles. The goal isn’t to “win” — it’s to understand and connect.

How to Stay Emotionally Connected: ATTUNE

To keep the conversation healthy, remember the word ATTUNE:

A – Be Aware: Notice your emotions, tone, and body language — and your spouse’s.

T – Be Tolerant: Respect your spouse’s viewpoint, even if you disagree.

T – Turn Toward Each Other: Stay engaged instead of withdrawing or attacking.

U – Understand: Seek to truly understand before offering solutions.

N – Non-defensive Listening: Listen without correcting, interrupting, or defending yourself.

E – Empathy: Try to feel what your spouse feels and validate their experience.

When Conflict Becomes an Opportunity

When couples consistently ATTUNE during their weekly “State of the Union” time, they build trust, emotional safety, and intimacy. Conflict stops being a threat and becomes an opportunity to grow closer together.

Talking Points:
  • Dr. John Gottman recommends setting aside one hour each week for a “State of the Union” meeting to connect and resolve issues. Regular check-ins like this prevent resentment from building and strengthen your emotional bond.
  • Begin the meeting by sharing five genuine compliments or words of gratitude. Starting positive sets a loving tone and reminds you both that you’re on the same team. Then focus on one area of conflict instead of trying to solve everything at once
  • Use the ATTUNE method to stay connected during the conversation. Be aware, tolerant, and empathetic — and practice non-defensive listening that seeks understanding over reaction. Ephesians 4:29, Colossians 3:12-14
  • End with appreciation and a small action step for the week ahead. Progress, not perfection, is what keeps your marriage healthy and growing.
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. Think back to your last disagreement as a couple. What patterns or habits tend to show up when you argue, and how could you handle them differently next time?
  3. When do your arguments usually happen — in the heat of the moment or after things build up? How might setting aside a regular time to talk help you stay calm and work things out more effectively?
  4. How often do you intentionally speak words that build your spouse up? How could starting your conflict talks with a few genuine compliments change the tone of your conversations?
  5. Why do you think it’s wise to focus on just one topic per week instead of trying to fix everything at once? What usually happens when couples bounce between too many issues in one conversation?
  6. Review the ATTUNE acronym. Why is it so important to stay open to your spouse’s perspective, and what might “non-defensive listening” look like in a real conversation between the two of you?
Print Friendly, PDF & Email