Every couple has disagreements. The goal isn’t to avoid them but to handle them wisely. A great way to do that is to schedule time each week to talk about just one area of conflict. Don’t wait for an argument to erupt—plan ahead and talk calmly. When we handle friction with grace, we reflect the character of Christ to our spouse.
The “State of the Union” Meeting
Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman calls this a “State of the Union” meeting. It’s a weekly check-in where couples intentionally connect, celebrate what’s going well, and address one ongoing issue before it grows. Gottman’s research shows that couples who make this a regular habit have much stronger emotional bonds and far fewer destructive arguments. From a biblical perspective, this is a practical way to “keep short accounts” and ensure no root of bitterness grows in your heart.
Proverbs 12:18 There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Start with Positivity
Start by locking off one hour in your week. Before you talk about the tough stuff, begin by sharing five compliments about your spouse. This step softens the atmosphere and reminds you both that you’re allies, not enemies. We often get so caught up in what is going wrong that we forget to express gratitude for what is going right. Building a “reservoir of goodwill” makes it much easier to navigate the harder conversations later in the meeting.
Proverbs 18:2 A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.
Focus on One Issue
Then, pick one issue to discuss. Decide who will start as the speaker and who will be the listener. After the first person shares, switch roles. The goal isn’t to “win”—it’s to understand and connect. If you try to fix every problem in your marriage in one sitting, you will both leave feeling overwhelmed and defeated. By focusing on one small area, you create a “win” for your relationship and build momentum for the future.
Psalm 19:14 Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
How to Stay Emotionally Connected: ATTUNE
To keep the conversation healthy, remember the word ATTUNE. This acronym helps us stay focused on the person rather than the problem.
- A – Be Aware: Notice your emotions, tone, and body language—and your spouse’s.
- T – Be Tolerant: Respect your spouse’s viewpoint, even if you disagree.
- T – Turn Toward Each Other: Stay engaged instead of withdrawing or attacking.
- U – Understand: Seek to truly understand before offering solutions.
- N – Non-defensive Listening: Listen without correcting, interrupting, or defending yourself.
- E – Empathy: Try to feel what your spouse feels and validate their experience.
The Takeaway
When couples consistently ATTUNE during their weekly “State of the Union” time, they build trust, emotional safety, and intimacy. Conflict stops being a threat and becomes an opportunity to grow closer together. By making space for intentional communication, you protect your marriage from the “rash words” that cause damage and instead use your words to bring healing.
