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Topic Summary

Every couple comes into marriage with expectations. Some are spoken, but many are unspoken—and that’s where conflict often begins. Our expectations are shaped by childhood, culture, and our inner dialogue. If we’re not intentional, these expectations can weigh down our relationship instead of building it up.

Think back to your family of origin. What roles did your parents play—or fail to play? How might those experiences shape your current expectations of your spouse? In the book, Marriage Forecasting by Tim Muehlhoff says, when frustrations come, ask yourself: “Who is in the room with me?” In other words, what past examples are influencing how I see my marriage today.

Key Points

Ground rules for sharing expectations:

  • Practice gentle honesty.

  • Avoid judgment. Your spouse isn’t a mindreader

  • Be curious listeners, not defensive.

Scripture Insight

The Bible gives us a better way. In 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Paul describes love as patient, kind, and not easily irritated. Love doesn’t assume or demand—it chooses to give. That means healthy marriages require us to talk about expectations instead of hoping our spouse will just figure them out.

We also need grace. None of us are perfect spouses. God models patience and forgiveness toward us (Colossians 3:12), and He calls us to extend the same grace to each other.

Takeaway

Marriage is a lifelong journey of discovery. As you share expectations and show grace, you’ll keep learning about each other and eventually know one another well enough to anticipate needs and support each other. Muehlhoff refers to this process as growing into soulmates, so enjoy the journey!

Talking Points:
  • We all have expectations, and they come from our childhood, culture, and internal dialogue.
  • Your spouse isn’t a mind reader, so set them up for success by sharing your expectations with helpful ground rules in place. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
  • You are not perfect, and neither is your spouse. Show grace as you grow into soulmates. Ephesians 4:32
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. Share a time you assumed your spouse knew what you wanted—but they didn’t? What happened, and what could have gone differently if you had spoken up?
  3. What’s one expectation you’ve had in marriage that you’ve had to let go of completely? How did that change things for you?
  4. How do you see the differences in your families showing up in your marriage, especially when conflict arises? 
  5. Read Ephesians 4:29,31-32. What does it look like to practice “gentle honesty” instead of harsh criticism when sharing expectations?
  6. Read Colossians 3:12. In what ways can celebrating small wins—like when your spouse does meet an expectation—build trust and joy in your relationship?

Adapted from the book Marriage Forecasting by Tim Muehlhoff

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