When you think about a future spouse, look for three things in this order: character, compatibility, and chemistry. Character matters most because it lasts when feelings come and go. Compatibility, especially a shared love for Jesus, keeps you headed in the same direction. Chemistry matters too, but it should never outrank the other two. And while you’re looking, work on becoming that kind of person yourself.
Character Comes First
Even if marriage feels years away, the way you think about dating now shapes the choices you’ll make later. And the most important thing to look for is character. Attraction and shared interests are great, but romance comes and goes. Character is what’s still there on a stressful Tuesday ten years into marriage, when nobody feels especially romantic.
So what does good character look like? Look for someone who is unselfish, who doesn’t make everything about themselves and genuinely cares how others feel. Look for humility, the ability to take correction and listen to another point of view. Look for integrity, being the same person at school, at home, online, and at church. And look for self-discipline, someone who can say no to impulses and manage life without constant chaos.
Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
That list is a picture of what the Holy Spirit grows in a person who follows Jesus. Nobody is perfect, so don’t expect a finished product. But you can watch for whether someone is growing in these qualities. It’s smart to write down a few non-negotiable character traits ahead of time, before strong feelings make it harder to think clearly.
Compatibility Is About More Than Common Interests
It’s fun if you like the same music, sports, or shows, but that’s the shallowest level of compatibility. You don’t need to be clones of each other. What matters more is sharing core values, the non-negotiables for how you want to live, like honesty, generosity, serving others, and how you’ll spend your time and money.
The deepest kind of compatibility is spiritual. The Bible is clear that a Christian should only marry another believer, which is a good reason not to date someone who doesn’t share your faith in the first place.
2 Corinthians 6:14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
But it’s not enough to ask, “Are we both Christians?” Ask what faith actually means to each of you. Is Jesus at the center of their life, or is church just one activity among many? Is the Bible their final authority, or just a helpful guide? Questions like these reveal whether you’d be pulling in the same direction for a lifetime.
Chemistry Matters, but It Can’t Lead
A relationship probably won’t make it to marriage without some spark of attraction. God designed marriage to include emotional and physical closeness, so chemistry is part of the picture. But love is far more than a feeling, and attraction alone is a shaky foundation.
When you have a huge crush, or when it seems like everyone else is dating and you’re being left behind, it’s easy to let chemistry make the decisions. That’s when people ignore red flags in character and big gaps in what they believe. Song of Songs, a book of the Bible that celebrates romantic love, repeats this wise warning.
Song of Songs 2:7 Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.
In other words, don’t rush it. Romantic feelings are powerful, and they’re meant for the right person at the right time. Keeping chemistry in its place now will spare you a lot of heartache later.
Become the Person You’re Looking For
Here’s the part people often skip. If you want someone with great character, you need to be growing in character too. It’s hard to attract someone unselfish, humble, and disciplined if you’re self-centered or careless with the truth yourself.
Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
The best preparation for marriage isn’t just finding the right person. It’s becoming the right person by following Jesus right now, in your friendships, your family, and your habits. For more help thinking this through, see how to know if you’ve found the right person to marry.
The Takeaway
When you think about what to look for in a spouse, put character first, then compatibility, especially a shared and growing faith in Jesus, and then chemistry. Hold on to those standards even when it’s hard, and focus on becoming that kind of person yourself.
