Frameworks for a Better Marriage

The four horsemen, personality types, emotional intelligence: build a better union by applying these well-known frameworks to your marriage. A 4-part series.

Podcasts + Discipleship: Click to Learn How to Use PursueGOD

PursueGOD is a new kind of discipleship curriculum for an increasingly complicated world. We use podcasts on a variety of topics to offer no-nonsense answers to everyday questions. Then we organize these podcasts into series so you can use them to make disciples at church, home, or in the world. Here’s how it works:

  1. Pick a series from our homepage. There's plenty to choose from!
  2. Each series contains multiple lessons. Click on the numbered tabs to open each lesson.
  3. Start by listening to the podcast on your own, before you meet as a group. Take notes as needed, and listen again if it helps. Consider starting a discipleship journal to track what you're learning.
  4. Meet as a group to talk through what you learned from the podcast. Each lesson includes shownotes, talking points, and discussion questions. Click on the # tab to explore additional topics.
  5. Listen to the podcast above for more helpful tips or check out one of our many training series.

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4 Signs That Your Marriage Is in Trouble

Posted: September 13, 2023

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John Gottman is a renowned relationship expert who has studied many couples in his love lab. He boasts of his ability to predict with 91% accuracy those who stay married and those that end in divorce by observing how couples communicate and interact with one another.

A couple’s ability to communicate is obviously foundational to a healthy marriage. Gottman would say there are 4 communication styles that often lead to the end of marriage because of the damage they inflict on couples. 

#1: Criticism

Criticism goes deeper than just a complaint. A complaint is about a specific behavior that is annoying or troubling. But criticism speaks more to the character and personality of the person.

Your marriage is in trouble if one or both of you are always critical. Critical words are hurtful and demoralizing. 

Sign #2: Contempt 

Contempt speaks to feelings of superiority and disrespect for the other. More than just being critical, it’s about one spouse feeling like they are a better, smarter, and a more reasonable person than the other.

This includes eye-rolling and mocking your spouse for being more tired, more overwhelmed, too dramatic or irresponsible. Like criticism, contempt is a dangerous communication style. Your contemptuous words cut to the core of your spouse of who they are and what they have to offer.

Instead of resorting to contempt, talk to your spouse about the habits or personality traits that annoy you. Think about how you would want your spouse to approach you with their grievances. Be kind. Be clear. Be patient.

Sign #3: Defensiveness

This means not taking responsibility for actions and blaming the other person for their mistakes. It’s hard to resolve conflict if both parties can’t take ownership for their part.

Take an inventory of your words and actions and recognize that both of you contribute to the issues in some form or fashion. Instead of deflecting and blaming the other, look for ways you can take responsibility and grow.

Sign #4: Stonewalling

Stonewalling is another name for shutting down and refusing to talk. This is a lethal response to healthy conflict resolution where one spouse refuses to engage in the conversation. 

Healthy communication can’t be a one-sided endeavor. It takes both of you. If you feel like you need space to order your thoughts, take a time out, but don’t stonewall and refuse to engage. Maybe you need clearer boundaries if your spouse makes you feel unsafe in conflict. Address that. Be clear about your expectations. Seek counseling if you can’t get there on your own.

Ephesians 4:29 Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.

Ephesians 4:31-32  Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Talking Points:
  • Author John Gottman identifies the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in marriage: four communication styles that are often signs of the impending doom of your marriage. Learn what they are… and then avoid them at all costs!
  • Sign #1: Criticism. Criticism goes deeper than just a complaint. A complaint is about a specific behavior that is annoying or troubling. But criticism speaks more to the character and personality of the person.
  • Sign #2: Contempt. Contempt speaks to feelings of superiority and disrespect for the other. More than just being critical, it’s about one spouse feeling like they are a better, smarter, and a more reasonable person than the other.
  • Sign #3: Defensiveness. This means not taking responsibility for actions and blaming the other person for their mistakes. It’s hard to resolve conflict if both parties can’t take ownership for their part.
  • Sign #4: Stonewalling. Stonewalling is another name for shutting down and refusing to talk. This is a lethal response to healthy conflict resolution where one spouse refuses to engage in the conversation. Ephesians 4:31-32
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. Are you surprised that divorce can be so easy to predict? Explain.
  3. Think about divorced people in your life, what led to the demise of their marriages? Do any of the signs listed here ring a bell?
  4. How have you felt put down by spouse in the past? In what areas are you critical of your spouse? How have contempt and criticism damaged your marriage?
  5. Why is defensiveness so destructive for healthy communication? What is a better way to respond?
  6. How can you safeguard your marriage from stonewalling?
  7. Read Ephesians 4:29, 31-32. What does this passage tell us to rid from our lives? What should we do instead? How can making these adjustments help your marriage?

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How Can Understanding Personality Types Help Your Marriage?

Posted: July 8, 2022

Understanding personality types in marriage helps couples move from constant frustration to intentional appreciation by revealing the “why” behind their differences. Instead of viewing a spouse’s unique traits as personal attacks or character flaws, personality frameworks allow couples to see them as God-given temperaments. This perspective fosters empathy, improves communication, and helps partners support one another’s strengths while graciously navigating their weaknesses.

Seeing Differences as Design, Not Defects

Many couples enter marriage expecting their spouse to think, process, and react exactly like they do. When a “planner” marries a “spontaneous” spirit, or an introvert marries an extrovert, the resulting friction often leads to hurt feelings. However, the Bible reminds us that God intentionally crafts each person with unique gifts and bents. Understanding personality types helps you realize that your spouse isn’t trying to be difficult; they are simply wired differently than you are.

When you understand these innate leanings, you stop trying to “fix” your spouse and start trying to understand them. This shift is vital for a healthy marriage because it moves the relationship from a place of judgment to a place of curiosity. Instead of asking, “Why are you like this?” you begin to ask, “How can I love you well in light of how God made you?” This reflects the biblical call to live with our spouses in an understanding way, honoring the unique vessel God has placed in our lives.

Psalm 139:13-14 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Understanding Your Myers-Briggs Type

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) uses four pairs of letters to describe how we interact with the world. The first pair, Introversion (I) or Extroversion (E), shows whether you get energy from being alone or with people. Sensing (S) or Intuition (N) describes whether you focus on basic facts or look at the big picture and possibilities. Thinking (T) or Feeling (F) indicates whether you make decisions based on logic or human emotions, and Judging (J) or Perceiving (P) reveals if you prefer a structured life or an adaptable one. Recognizing these sixteen possible combinations helps spouses appreciate the internal landscape of their partner’s mind. If you haven’t ever taken the test, here is a link to free inventory.

Improving Communication Through Personality Awareness

Communication is often the first thing to break down when personality types clash. An internal processor might need an hour to think before discussing a conflict, while an external processor needs to talk through it immediately to feel resolved. Without an understanding of personality types, the external processor feels ignored, and the internal processor feels cornered. Recognizing these traits allows couples to create “communication rules” that respect both individuals.

By identifying your personality “language,” you can translate your needs more effectively. For example, if you know your spouse is highly detail-oriented, you can provide the specific information they need to feel secure. If you know they value emotional connection over logical data, you can lead with empathy. This intentionality reduces the “noise” in your conversations and ensures that your message of love and partnership actually gets through to your spouse’s heart.

Balancing Strengths and Weaknesses Together

God often brings opposites together so they can function as a complete team. In a marriage, one person’s natural weakness is often covered by the other person’s natural strength. A spouse who struggles with administrative tasks might be married to someone who thrives on organization. A spouse who is naturally anxious might find peace in a partner who has a steady, calm temperament. Understanding personality types helps you identify these “team dynamics” so you can divide responsibilities effectively.

Instead of competing or criticizing, you can learn to lean on each other. This is the beauty of the “one flesh” union described in Genesis. When we stop viewing our spouse’s strengths as a threat to our own, we can celebrate how they make us better. This teamwork requires humility and a willingness to admit that we don’t have all the answers. By leaning into our spouse’s God-given personality, we become a more effective witness of God’s grace and diversity.

Ecclesiastes 4:9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.

Growing Toward Spiritual Maturity

Ultimately, using personality tools in marriage isn’t just about making life easier; it’s about becoming more like Jesus. Christ perfectly balanced every positive personality trait—He was both bold and gentle, a leader and a servant, a speaker and a listener. As we learn to appreciate the traits in our spouse that we lack, we are actually being stretched to grow in areas where we are weak. Marriage is a primary tool God uses for our sanctification.

When you choose to value your spouse’s personality, you are practicing the selfless love of Philippians 2. You are looking out for their interests and honoring the way God is at work in them. This journey of understanding leads to a deeper spiritual intimacy. You aren’t just two people living in the same house; you are two unique souls joined by God.

Philippians 2:3 Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.

The Takeaway

Understanding personality types in marriage is a powerful tool for building empathy and reducing conflict. By recognizing that our differences are often a matter of God-given design rather than personal rebellion, we can learn to communicate more effectively and support one another’s strengths. This understanding allows couples to move from frustration to a deep appreciation for the unique way God has wired their partner.

Discuss and Dive Deeper

Talk about it:

  1. Read “The Takeaway” above as a group. What are your initial thoughts about the article?
  2. Looking at the MBTI letters, which type do you think is most different between you and your spouse?
  3. How does viewing your spouse’s traits as “God-given design” change the way you respond to them during a disagreement?
  4. In what ways have you seen your spouse’s strengths balance out your own weaknesses over the course of your relationship?
  5. Why do you think God often brings together people with such different personality types in marriage?
  6. What is one practical step you can take this week to show “understanding” toward your spouse’s unique personality?

See also:

Sources for this article:

Marriage Basics (Series)

Pre-Marriage Basics (Series)

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The 5 Traits of an Emotionally Intelligent Marriage

Posted: July 23, 2024

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Emotional intelligence (EI) is a concept that has gained significant attention in both personal development and professional success. Coined by psychologists Peter Salovey and John Mayer in the 1990s and popularized by Daniel Goleman, EI refers to the ability to recognize, understand, and manage our own emotions, as well as to perceive and influence the emotions of others. It encompasses a range of skills that contribute to effective communication, leadership, and overall well-being. Here are five essential traits that characterize emotional intelligence:

  1. Self-Awareness

Self-awareness forms the cornerstone of emotional intelligence. It involves being in tune with your own emotions, recognizing them as they arise, and understanding how they can affect your thoughts and behavior. Individuals with high self-awareness are mindful of their strengths and weaknesses, which allows them to accurately assess situations and make well-informed decisions. Cultivating self-awareness often involves practices such as introspection, journaling, and seeking feedback from others.

  • Self-aware individuals regularly engage in reflection and introspection. They take the time to examine their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, seeking to understand the underlying reasons behind their actions. 
  • People with strong self-awareness have a realistic and balanced view of their strengths and weaknesses. 
  • Self-aware individuals are open to receiving feedback from others, whether positive or constructive. 
  1. Self-Regulation

Self-regulation refers to the ability to manage and control one’s emotions, impulses, and reactions effectively. It involves staying calm under pressure, adapting to change, and maintaining a positive outlook even in challenging situations. People with strong self-regulation skills are less likely to be driven by impulses or to react impulsively, which can lead to more constructive interactions and decisions. Techniques such as mindfulness, deep breathing, and developing resilience can aid in enhancing self-regulation.

  • Individuals with strong self-regulation demonstrate the ability to control their impulses and resist immediate gratification. 
  • Self-regulated individuals are adaptable and flexible in response to changing circumstances and challenges. 
  • Individuals who possess this trait are capable of managing stressors in a constructive manner, without being overly reactive or experiencing prolonged emotional distress. 
  1. Motivation

Motivation in the context of emotional intelligence refers to the drive to achieve goals, persist in the face of challenges, and pursue excellence. It involves setting and striving towards personal and professional aspirations with enthusiasm and persistence. Motivated individuals are often proactive, resilient, and able to bounce back from setbacks. Cultivating motivation involves clarifying personal values and goals, staying focused on long-term objectives, and fostering a growth mindset.

  • Motivated individuals are highly goal-oriented. They set clear and specific goals for themselves, both short-term and long-term, and they work diligently towards achieving them.
  • Motivated individuals demonstrate resilience in the face of setbacks and challenges. They view obstacles as opportunities for growth rather than barriers to success, and they remain determined and persistent in pursuing their goals. 
  • Motivated individuals exhibit passion and enthusiasm for their pursuits. They approach tasks with energy and excitement, maintaining a positive attitude even when faced with difficulties. 
  1. Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It involves being able to perceive emotions accurately, both through verbal and non-verbal cues, and to appreciate different perspectives. Empathetic individuals are skilled at listening actively, showing compassion, and demonstrating sensitivity towards others’ emotions and needs. Developing empathy requires genuine curiosity about others, practicing active listening, and fostering a non-judgmental attitude.

  • Empathetic individuals are skilled at active listening, which involves paying full attention to the speaker, understanding their message, and responding thoughtfully. 
  • People with empathy have the ability to put themselves in someone else’s shoes and see things from their perspective. 
  • Empathetic individuals are inclined to offer emotional support and validation to others. They respond empathically by acknowledging the other person’s feelings and providing reassurance or encouragement as needed.
  1. Social Skill

Strong social skills are another crucial aspect of emotional intelligence. These skills enable individuals to build and maintain positive relationships, communicate effectively, and work collaboratively with others. People with well-developed social skills are adept at resolving conflicts, inspiring and influencing others, and demonstrating leadership. Building social skills involves practicing effective communication, teamwork, networking, and conflict resolution techniques.

  • Individuals with strong social skills are adept communicators. They can express their thoughts and ideas clearly and succinctly, adapting their communication style to fit the context and the audience. 
  • They can read social cues accurately, anticipate reactions, and adjust their behavior accordingly to maintain positive relationships.
  • People with strong social skills are proficient in resolving conflicts and negotiating effectively. They can manage disagreements and disputes constructively, seeking mutually beneficial solutions while preserving relationships. 

In conclusion, emotional intelligence encompasses a set of skills that are essential for navigating the complexities of human interactions and achieving success in various domains of life. By developing traits such as self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, social skills, and motivation, individuals can enhance their emotional intelligence and cultivate more fulfilling relationships, effective leadership abilities, and greater personal well-being. As Daniel Goleman aptly stated, “Emotional intelligence is the sine qua non of leadership.”

Understanding and nurturing these traits not only enriches our personal lives but also enhances our capacity to positively impact those around us, making emotional intelligence a valuable asset in today’s interconnected world.

Talking Points:
  • Self-awareness – Recognizing your own emotions is the starting point. You can’t clearly express yourself if you don’t understand how you feel and why.
  • Self-regulation – Managing your emotions is imperative to a healthy marriage. You have to show self-control in how you express the emotions you are experiencing. Ephesians 4:29
  • Motivation – Directing emotions toward a goal helps creates a growth mindset for the relationship – an opportunity to strengthen the marriage not to tear each other down. 
  • Empathy – Recognizing the emotions of your spouse will help you to have a balanced approach. It’s not just about how you feel- it’s also about how they feel.
  • Social Skill – Managing the emotions in your spouse means you move past the emotions to a real conversation about how to do better next time.
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. How good are you at expressing how you feel, especially in times of conflict? What proves to be most challenging for you?
  3. How well does your spouse do at expressing their feelings to you? What could they do better?
  4. Read Ephesians 4:29. Share a time your words really hurt your spouse. Why is self-regulation a must for healthy communication?
  5. What should the motivation be when you enter a conflict with your spouse? What are some bad motives to avoid?
  6. How can you show more empathy for your spouse’s feelings and perspective?
  7. What reactions have you had in the past to your spouse’s emotions that only made things worse? What are some positive ways you can respond to your spouse’s heightened emotions?
  8. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

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Take the Selfishness Test for Your Marriage

Posted: April 29, 2022

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Bryan and Tracy discuss the topic of selfishness in marriage. They explore five areas where selfish attitudes and behaviors tend to appear: finances, preferences, emotions, time, and chores. They emphasize the importance of recognizing and admitting one’s own selfishness and making a commitment to be less selfish. They also discuss the need for open communication, compromise, and serving each other in order to have a healthy and thriving marriage.

Talking Points:
  • Selfishness is at the root of marital disfunction. In this lesson we’ll ask five questions to help you discover the areas where you need to improve.
  • How selfish are you with your finances? If your hobbies dominate the family budget, you are likely inhibiting your spouse from pursuing their interests.
  • How selfish are you with preferences? If you always take the vacation you want or eat at your preferred restaurant, you are probably selfish and need to acknowledge your spouse’s opinions. James 3:16
  • How selfish are you with your emotions? If your mood dictates the temperature in the room you are likely emotionally selfish and need to realize that your spouse has emotions, too.
  • How selfish are you with your time? If you’re always off doing whatever you want whenever you want with no regard for your spouse’s needs, you are being selfish.
  • How selfish are you with chores? If you never offer to do anything around the house, or do it begrudgingly when asked, you’re being selfish expecting your spouse to carry the load. Philippians 2:3
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. Share the number you gave yourself in each category. Explain your answers.
  3. How close are your numbers to those your spouse gave you? If the numbers were drastically off, ask your spouse to explain their perspective more.
  4. Read James 3:16. Think about the conflicts you have with your spouse. How is selfishness at the root of those disagreements?
  5. Read Philippians 2:3. For each category, come up with a practical step for how you will improve moving forward.
  6. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

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