The Five Love Languages

Christ loved us sacrificially and selflessly when he went to the cross, and this same kind of love should be evident in our marriages.

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Talking Points:
  • Words of affirmation: If this is your language, you want to hear the specifics of why you matter to your spouse.
  • Physical touch: If this is your language, you want receive affection through hugs, hand-holding, and more.
  • Acts of service: If this is your language, action speaks louder than words.
  • Gift giving: If this is your language, you like material surprises, big and small.
  • Quality time: If this is your language, just being present with your spouse is what matters to you.
Discussion Questions:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. Share a time you planned something special for your spouse and it totally failed. What went wrong? What did your spouse express to you about it?
  3. Describe the times you feel most loved by your spouse? What might that indicate about your love language?
  4. Read Ephesians 5:25-30. What kind of love did Christ model for us? Why is real love rooted in sacrifice and service to another?
  5. Why won’t it work to love your spouse in your language, not theirs?
  6. If you don’t know your love language, do that now. (Visit 5lovelanguages.com to take a quick love language survey.) Were you surprised to find out what your languages were? Explain.
  7. What are some practical things you can do to start speaking the language of your spouse? Make a list. Do you think it will be challenging for you to do this? Explain.
  8. How will understanding the love languages improve your marriage? Go through the complete series here.
  9. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

Based on the book by Gary Chapman called The Five Love Languages

Talking Points:
  • Affirmation means you speak words of love, encouragement and admiration to someone. (Ex. “You’re smart, you’re beautiful or sexy, or you’re a hard worker”) 1 Thessalonians 5:11 Proverbs 31:28
  • People with this language need to hear affirming things in order to feel loved. It’s not that it’s just nice to hear, it’s how they actually feel loved.
  • As with all of the love languages, the goal is to become fluent in the language of your spouse. So, you’ll both have to be patient and gracious with one another as you learn to speak in each other’s language. Ephesians 5:25-29
  • If this is the primary language of your spouse, go on a fact finding mission and ask them what feels the most affirming to them. Find out if there are certain areas of their life that they like to be affirmed in more than others or the best way to communicate your affirmation.
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. Share a time that you heard meaningful affirmation from someone (co-worker, boss, child, spouse, friend). What impact did that have on you?
  3. Have you ever been wounded by someone’s un-affirming words? What impact did that have on you?
  4. Read 1 Thessalonians 5:11. What are some examples of affirming things you can say to your spouse? How about to your kids? How about to friends or colleagues?
  5. Read Ephesians 5:25-29. What does this passage say about how we should love in marriage? How do the love languages support this idea?
  6. Why is it important to be patient with your spouse as they learn how to speak affirming words to you? What is likely to happen if you grow impatient?
  7. If this is your love language, what are some things you can do to help your spouse to better speak your language?
  8. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

Adapted from the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Talking Points:
  • This language is all about spending meaningful time together. It doesn’t mean you just sit in the same room or sleep in the same bed. It’s about doing something together that invites meaningful connection.
  • Quality time means you are engaging with one another talking about how things are going with work, kids, etc. You can do it over a dinner date or driving in the car running errands. The point is connecting and talking about things that matter.
  • If Quality Time is your spouse’s language, ask them what quality time looks like to them. Ask them how they like to connect and what they like to talk about. Mark 10:45
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. What are some of your shared interests as a couple? How could those interests help to create quality time?
  3. Describe a time you felt most connected to your spouse. What were the surrounding circumstances that allowed that time to be extra special?
  4. What are some future goals you share as a couple? How do you currently discuss those? How can future plans help you bond more as a couple now?
  5. How do you differentiate between small talk and meaningful conversation?
  6. What is the best mindset to have if this is your spouse’s language and talking is hard for you to do?
  7. Read Mark 10:45. Jesus came to serve us. How can you better serve your spouse in the area of quality time?
  8. If this is your love language, what are some things you can do to help your spouse to better speak your language?
  9. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

Adapted from the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

 

Talking Points:
  • A person with this love language loves gift giving. So, they are especially excited for Christmas, birthdays and other special occasions where they can give thoughtful gifts to the people they love.
  • They key isn’t the amount of money you spend, the key is giving a thoughtful gift. Proverbs 11:24-25
  • If this is your spouse’s language, ask them to help you set the right expectations and parameters. Don’t assume that your spouse wants you to bust the budget they just want to know you’ve put thought into the gifts you buy.
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. What’s the best gift you’ve ever received? Why did it mean so much to you?
  3. What would you say you enjoy more, giving gifts or receiving them? Explain.
  4. On a scale from 1-10, rate how good you are at buying gifts for your spouse. Explain. How could you improve?
  5. In your opinion, what makes for a good gift? How do you think your spouse would answer this question?
  6. Read Proverbs 11:24-25. What are some creative gift ideas that don’t cost a lot of money?
  7. What are some other questions you can ask your spouse to get a sense for the kinds of gifts they would like?
  8. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

Adapted from the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Talking Points:
  • Acts of Service is all about doing things for someone whether it’s a project around the house, running an errand, or giving a back rub. This language is very common for men as they tend to like to take action and conquer a task.
  • The key is to find out the tasks that make the most impact on your spouse and focus on those. Even though this may be your language as well, don’t assume that your spouse has the same priorities. 1 Peter 4:10
  • In whatever you do, this language is all about seeing love in action. You don’t have to be a professional painter or chef. Just look to serve your spouse in the ways that really matter to them and do it to the best of your ability.
  • If this is your language, but not your spouse’s, guard against becoming bitter that you work hard and do a lot but your spouse doesn’t seem to notice or care. Remember, the reason is probably that your spouse’s primary language isn’t Acts of Service. So, make sure to learn their language and speak it fluently.
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. Think of a time your spouse did something for you that meant a lot at the time. Why did that mean so much to you?
  3. Read 1 Peter 4:10. Why are actions important to expressing genuine love?
  4. In what ways would you say you currently serve your spouse? Identify the ways your spouse tries to serve you?
  5. How do you show appreciation for the ways your spouse tries to serve you? How can you improve?
  6. Identify some areas where you would love more help from your spouse. What’s a productive way to express those needs to one another?
  7. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

Adapted from the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Talking Points:
  • This language is not limited to sex. The person with this language needs many types of touch whether it’s a hug, holding hands or cuddling on the couch.
  • Using the excuse, “I’m not a touchy feely person” won’t cut it if you want a healthy marriage. If this is your spouse’s language then you need to find a way to speak love to your spouse through affection. Proverbs 5:18
  • As with any of the love languages, you may see a change over the years in your need for one of your languages. So, with physical touch, you may not need as much affection in year 10 as you did in year one. The point is to meet the needs and expectations of your spouse whether their need changes or not.
  • What do you do if your spouse refuses to be affectionate? This is challenging because you can’t make your spouse do something they don’t want to do. But, pray that your spouse will have a teachable heart in this area and encourage them to find a mentor that can help them see the importance of speaking your language of love.
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. Would the people in your life identify you as a “touchy feely” couple or the “unaffectionate” couple? Explain.
  3. As a couple, are you on the same page with how much affection you show each other? Explain.
  4. Read Proverbs 5:18. Why is affection important? What tends to happen when couples stop being affectionate?
  5. What is likely to happen if one spouse thinks affection should always lead to sex?
  6. If you are not naturally an affectionate person, what are some practical things you can do to grow in this area for the sake of your spouse?
  7. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

Adapted from the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

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