Boundaries

Learn what boundaries are and how they can help you to manage every relationship in your life.

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PursueGOD is a new kind of discipleship curriculum for an increasingly complicated world. We use podcasts on a variety of topics to offer no-nonsense answers to everyday questions. Then we organize these podcasts into series so you can use them to make disciples at church, home, or in the world. Here’s how it works:

  1. Pick a series from our homepage. There's plenty to choose from!
  2. Each series contains multiple lessons. Click on the numbered tabs to open each lesson.
  3. Start by listening to the podcast on your own, before you meet as a group. Take notes as needed, and listen again if it helps. Consider starting a discipleship journal to track what you're learning.
  4. Meet as a group to talk through what you learned from the podcast. Each lesson includes shownotes, talking points, and discussion questions. Click on the # tab to explore additional topics.
  5. Listen to the podcast above for more helpful tips or check out one of our many training series.

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What Are Boundaries In Relationships?

Posted: June 12, 2023

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Boundaries play a vital role in our lives, defining the limits of our identity and creating a sense of ownership. In this topic, we will explore the significance of boundaries as discussed in the book “Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. From the different types of boundary conflicts to the stages of boundary development, we will delve into the intricacies of this crucial aspect of our relationships and personal growth. So, let’s embark on a journey to understand the dynamics of boundaries and how they shape our interactions with others.

  1. Where Boundaries Go Wrong: In this section, we will explore various boundary conflicts and their implications. Compliance, the act of saying yes to the bad, leads individuals with fuzzy boundaries to merge with the demands and needs of others. On the other hand, avoidants struggle to ask for help, recognize their own needs, or let others in, resulting in a withdrawal when support is required. We will also discuss controllers who disregard others’ boundaries through aggressive or manipulative behavior, and nonresponsives who ignore the needs of others due to their critical spirit or self-absorption.
  2. Boundary Development Starts with Bonding: As infants, we begin to develop boundaries through the process of separation and individuation. This phase involves perceiving ourselves as distinct from our caregivers and developing our own sense of identity. The stages of hatching, practicing, and rapprochement play crucial roles in this development, allowing children to explore the world, gradually assert their independence, and establish a sense of self while maintaining a connection with their caregivers.
  3. No: The One-Word Boundary: During the rapprochement phase, toddlers often embrace the power of the word “no.” We will discuss how this simple word becomes a vital verbal boundary that children learn and employ as they navigate their growing autonomy. Parents play a crucial role during this phase by creating a safe environment for their children to express their boundaries while also teaching them to respect the boundaries of others.
  4. Boundary Construction in Different Life Stages: Boundary development continues throughout our lives, and we will explore its significance in different life stages. We will discuss the challenges and opportunities faced by 3-year-olds, adolescents dealing with more complex issues of autonomy, and young adults who face increasing freedom and responsibility.

Understanding and nurturing healthy boundaries is essential for personal growth, healthy relationships, and overall well-being. By recognizing the various types of boundary conflicts, the stages of boundary development, and the importance of respecting both our own boundaries and those of others, we can establish healthier connections and foster personal empowerment. Embracing boundaries allows us to define who we are, protect our individuality, and cultivate authentic and meaningful relationships with others. 

Talking Points:
  • Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Cloud, Henry; Townsend, John. Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition (p. 30). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.
    • Compliant people have indistinct or fuzzy boundaries. They feel guilty for saying “no” and end up saying “yes” to the bad.
    • Avoidant people don’t ask for help or admit when they’re overwhelmed. They end up saying “no” to the good.
    • Controlling people don’t listen to or respect other’s boundaries. They are either aggressive in their approach or are more manipulative and indirect. Either way, this type of person gets their way.
  • Boundaries are formed from our earliest days through our attachments with caregivers-usually Mom and Dad.
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. Describe your understanding of boundaries up to this point. Would you say that you have a lot of boundaries or that you have few or none? Explain.
  3. Who in your life makes you uncomfortable at times or stresses you out? What’s been your typical response to their encroachment? 
  4. Which of the boundary conflicts best describes you (compliant, avoidant or controlling)? Explain.
  5. Can you think of a situation where you found it challenging to say “no” to something that was not good for you? How did it impact your well-being?
  6. In what ways can you communicate your boundaries in your relationships and interactions with others?
  7. Read Genesis 1:1-19. Identify the boundaries God put in place in creation. How did those boundaries create order? How does knowing that God utilized boundaries challenge your understanding of your need for boundaries?
  8. Read Galatians 6:2-5. How would you explain Paul’s point in these verses? How does this passage challenge you?

See Also:

View the FlexTalk version of this topic.
Adapted from Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

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The 10 Laws Of Boundaries

Posted: June 22, 2023

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The good news is that there are 10 laws of boundaries, outlined in the book “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, that can help you establish healthy boundaries in your life. In this blog post, we’ll take a closer look at these laws and explore how they can help you live a more fulfilling and balanced life.

Law #1: The Law of Sowing and Reaping

The Law of Sowing and Reaping states that you reap what you sow. In other words, the choices you make today will have consequences in the future. If you sow healthy boundaries today, you’ll reap the benefits of those boundaries in the future. Don’t be codependent and protect people from the consequences of their choices.

  • Galatians 6:7 Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. 8 Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit.

Law #2: The Law of Responsibility

The Law of Responsibility states that you’re responsible for your own life and well-being. This means that you’re responsible for setting and maintaining your own boundaries. “Love one another, don’t be on another.” We can’t make someone else change.

Law #3: The Law of Power

The Law of Power states that you have the power to control your own life and set your own boundaries. You don’t have to let others control you or dictate your choices.

Law #4: The Law of Respect

The Law of Respect states that you should respect the boundaries of others, just as you want them to respect your boundaries. This means that you should be mindful of other people’s needs and feelings when setting your own boundaries.

  • Matt 7:12 Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.

Law #5: The Law of Motivation

The Law of Motivation states that your boundaries should be motivated by love, not fear or anger. When you set boundaries out of fear or anger, they’re less likely to be effective in the long run. Can’t be motivated by fear of rejection or hurting someone’s feelings with your boundaries. “Freedom first. Service second”. Some people give and give trying to stay in the good graces of others. It just doesn’t work over time. You grow resentful.

Law #6: The Law of Evaluation

The Law of Evaluation states that you should regularly evaluate your boundaries to make sure they’re still serving you. Boundaries should be flexible and adaptable, not rigid and unchanging.

  • Eph 4:15 Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.

Law #7: The Law of Proactivity

The Law of Proactivity states that you should be proactive in setting your own boundaries, rather than waiting for others to set them for you. This means taking ownership of your life and being assertive when necessary.

Law #8: The Law of Envy

The Law of Envy states that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others or envy their boundaries. Everyone’s situation is unique, and what works for someone else may not work for you. Rather than wasting energy on wishing you had what someone else has, be proactive and make the changes necessary to have those things. 

Law #9: The Law of Activity

The Law of Activity states that you should be actively working to establish and maintain your boundaries. Boundaries require effort and attention to be effective.

  • 2 Tim 1:17 For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

Law #10: The Law of Exposure

The Law of Exposure states that you should be open and honest about your boundaries with others. This means communicating your needs and expectations clearly and respectfully.

Talking Points:
  • Cloud and Townsend created the ten laws to provide a framework for individuals to establish, maintain, and respect boundaries in their relationships.
  • The laws include things like personal responsibility for creating boundaries and constantly evaluating how those boundaries are working and how they might need to change over time.
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. Describe someone in your life who struggles to maintain healthy boundaries with someone in their life (spouse, child, friend). What are the indications that it may be an unhealthy situation?
  3. Which of the 10 Laws jumps out to you the most and why? Which law do you need to be more mindful of in your life?
  4. Read Ephesians 4:14-16. Review the law of Evaluation (truth in love). Have you ever confronted someone before who has hurt you? How did you feel about that experience? In your own words, why is it important to speak the truth in love?
  5. Read 2 Timothy 1:7. Why is it better to be proactive with your emotions and boundaries rather than always being reactive? Share a time you reacted to something and regretted your actions. How could the law of Proactivity and this verse have helped you in that situation?
  6. Review the law of Exposure. Up to now, how have you made your boundaries known to the people in your life? What more do you need to say or do to make sure your boundaries are clear to others?

See Also:

View the FlexTalk version of this topic.
Adapted from Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

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Boundaries With Friends

Posted: August 2, 2023

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We all have that friend who wants to dominate our time or the friend who never initiates plans. It’s frustrating if you don’t have the right expectations and boundaries in place. 

Today we’re going to describe 4 common dynamics that happen in friendships and how a lack of proper boundaries can lead to hurt and frustration.

Compliant – Compliant “Whatever you want”

We’ve discussed the compliant personality in other episodes. Two compliant friends likely leads to inauthentic friendship. Here’s why. Neither person is honest about their true feelings for fear of hurting the other person. So both say “yes” to plans they don’t want to do. Both end up feeling resentful of the other because they’re doing things they don’t want to do.

How do you draw a boundary in this dynamic? Speak up. Be honest when you said yes but meant no. Invite your friend to be honest, too. Make a commitment to not commit to a request for 24 hrs and make sure you really want to do something. If you decide you don’t, say no.

Compliant – Controlling (Aggressive) “My way or the highway”

This dynamic is the most obvious. You have the compliant just trying to keep the peace and the aggressive dominating and controlling. Even though the compliant is allowing the dynamic, they internally resent it. 

How do you draw a boundary? Compliant likely needs to be the one to say “enough”. The aggressive is probably clueless because they’ve grown accustomed to getting their way in every relationship. Be clear about how you feel and why it frustrates and say you won’t give into aggressives every wish moving forward. It’s a new negotiation for a different kind of friendship. The compliant needs to take responsibility for their resentment and draw the boundary. The aggressive needs to respect the boundary. 

Compliant – Controlling (Manipulative) “Help! I need you”

The manipulative controller is less obvious than the aggressive but the result is the same-it’s always their way. In this dynamic, the compliant is always rescuing or on call for the manipulative friend. The manipulator doesn’t plan ahead so they often find themselves in a bind due to their lack of planning. The compliant grows tired of being used so they create distance. 

How do you draw the boundary? Compliant needs to address it. Clearly stating how they feel used by the manipulator and that they aren’t going to be the rescuer every time. Express a desire for a give and take relationship where both serve and help the other. 

Compliant – non-responsive “I always initiate”

Compliant feels like they do all the work in the friendship. They reach out to make plans or to check in. The non-responsive never does that. Compliant feels unimportant. Non-responsive may feel overwhelmed by the compliants need for attention.

How do you draw a boundary? Both speak up. Compliant can be honest that they feel undervalued when the other never reaches out or initiates. Non-responsive may need to be honest about their ability to be the kind of friend the other needs. If expectations can’t match, stop forcing the friendship and maybe move on.

Talking Points:
  • Compliant-Compliant: You are both afraid to express true desires or to be honest about your preferences-so neither of you get what you want. Learn to speak up.
  • Compliant-Aggressive Controller: You are always saying yes to keep the peace while the other person steam rolls- so you get bitter and angry. Learn to say no and stand your ground.
  • Compliant-Manipulative Controller: You are always saying yes while the other person takes advantage of you-so you grow bitter and tired. Learn to confront passive aggressive behavior.
  • Compliant-Non-responsive: You’re looking for connection but you’re ignored or rebuffed- so you feel rejected. Learn to take a hint and back off.
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. Describe a friendship that has been challenging for you. Which of the 4 dynamics best describes that friendship?
  3. What are the potential problems in a friendship with two compliant friends? Why is it important to be able to express your real desires?
  4. Describe a controlling friend in your life. How does that friendship affect you?
  5. Read Ephesians 4:25. Have you ever felt taken advantage of by a friend? Explain. Why is it better to be honest about your frustrations compared to just taking it or completely walking away?
  6. Have you ever been non-responsive to someone in your life? Why? Has someone been unresponsive towards you? What insights can you glean from that?
  7. Read Proverbs 18:24 and 1 Corinthians 15:33. Would you categorize a friend as bad company for you? Explain. What adjustments might you need to make with this person?

See Also:

View the FlexTalk version of this topic.
Adapted from Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

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Four Boundary Markers In Marriage

Posted: July 13, 2023

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Boundary markers show us where one property ends and another begins. Here’s the paradox: recognizing those markers in marriage will make for a better union, not a more disjointed one. In this lesson we talk about four major areas where healthy couples set up boundary markers.

  • Marriage doesn’t mean you lose your identity or that being one means you have no sense of self. You do! You should!
  • Conflict in marriage often comes when one infringes on the other’s boundaries and tries to control the spouse. Or when we make our spouse responsible for our feelings or meeting our unspoken desires.

How You Feel

Your spouse can’t control how you feel. That’s on you. You are responsible for your emotions and you have to be brave enough to articulate them to your spouse. (Law of Responsibility)

  • You can express how your spouse’s actions affect you but your angry outburst or silent punishment is your choice.
  • Steady Eddie vs Roller Coaster
  • You don’t need to run cover for your spouse’s moodiness or angry outbursts. They are responsible for their own actions. And, we need to loving confront our spouse when they are manipulative or toxic.
  • The doormat (compliant) vs. The bulldozer (controller)

What You Expect

The Law of exposure says you need to voice your desires and needs so your spouse can get on the same page. Your spouse can’t read your mind so you have to share your expectations and be ready to compromise.

  • The vault vs. the over-sharer
  • You can’t punish your spouse for unwritten rules.

The Work You Do

You can’t do everything for everyone, so be honest with your spouse about your limitations.

  • Go-getter vs. Video-gamer
  • The people pleaser

Your Time Together

You don’t have to spend all your time together. It’s okay to ask for some free time.

  • It’s good to have personal hobbies apart from your spouse.. It’s okay to enjoy time apart. Being one doesn’t mean you lose all sense of self.
  • Introvert vs. Extrovert

The Takeaway

Boundary markers show us where one property ends and another begins. Here’s the paradox: recognizing those markers in marriage will make for a better union, not a more disjointed one. It takes two people with tender, responsive hearts to make a marriage great.

Talking Points:
  • Boundary markers show us where one property ends and another begins. Here’s the paradox: recognizing those markers in marriage will make for a better union, not a more disjointed one. 
  • Your spouse can’t control how you feel. That’s on you. You are responsible for your emotions and you have to be brave enough to articulate them to your spouse. 
  • The Law of exposure says you need to voice your desires and needs so your spouse can get on the same page. Your spouse can’t read your mind so you have to share your expectations and be ready to compromise. 
  • Work: You can’t do everything for everyone so be honest with your spouse about your limitations.
  • Time: You don’t have to spend all your time together. It’s okay to ask for some free time.
  • It takes two people with tender, responsive hearts to make a marriage great.
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. Share about a couple whose marriage you admire and respect. What do you notice is different about their relationship from most marriages? How do you feel your marriage compares?
  3. Have you tried to blame your spouse for your feelings in the past? Explain. How have you tried to manage your spouse’s feelings? Why won’t that work?
  4. Share a time your spouse missed meeting one of your expectations. How did that make you feel? How could you better articulate what you want or need?
  5. How do you differ from your spouse in terms of work ethic? How would clarifying boundaries help alleviate conflict in this area?
  6. Do you and your spouse have individual interests? Explain. How can you free your spouse to pursue those interests more? How can your spouse give you the gift of free time?
  7. Read Ephesians 5:25-26. Jesus demonstrated selfless love for us. How does this challenge you to love your spouse sacrificially? What does that look like for you? How are boundaries a useful tool in loving your spouse well?

See Also:

View the FlexTalk version of this topic.
Adapted from Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

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How Do We Model and Teach Healthy Boundaries to Our Kids?

Posted: July 19, 2023

Teaching kids to set boundaries is an essential part of raising healthy, responsible individuals. Boundaries are not about control; they are about teaching children how to own their behavior, respect others, and protect their physical and emotional well-being. By modeling healthy limits, consistently enforcing rules, and encouraging open communication, you can empower your children to navigate relationships and life’s challenges with wisdom, confidence, and a clear understanding of personal responsibility.

The Importance of Boundaries in Parenting

Many parents view boundaries as a way to restrict their children, but they actually provide necessary security. Think of boundaries like the fence around a playground. The fence keeps the children safe, giving them the freedom to run and play within a secure space. Without that fence, the children would be anxious, constantly looking over their shoulders to see where the danger lies. Boundaries create a safe environment where children can learn and grow without fear.

Biblical wisdom supports this proactive approach to child-rearing. This instruction is not merely about rules; it involves teaching children the “why” behind the rules. When we help kids set boundaries, we are teaching them to value their own integrity and the dignity of others. We want them to understand that they are created in the image of God, which means their bodies, time, and emotions have value and deserve respect.

Proverbs 22:6 Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it

Modeling Healthy Boundaries

Children are like little mirrors; they reflect the behavior they see in us. If we want our kids to understand how to set boundaries, we must first demonstrate what that looks like in our own lives. You cannot teach what you do not live. If you constantly let people walk all over you, your kids will learn that they have no right to say no. If you lack self-discipline, they will likely struggle with the same.

Start by being honest about your own limitations. When you feel overwhelmed or need space, explain it to your children in a way they can understand. You might say, “I am feeling frustrated right now, so I need to take five minutes to pray and calm down before I continue this conversation.” This shows them that it is acceptable to step away to regulate emotions. By verbalizing these choices, you provide them with a script for how to set their own healthy boundaries in the future.

Teaching Kids to Say No

One of the most difficult lessons for children is learning how to say “no” to their peers. Peer pressure often starts small, but it can quickly escalate. We must empower our children to stand firm when something makes them feel uncomfortable or contradicts their values. Role-playing is a fantastic way to practice this. Set up scenarios where they have to decline a request or walk away from a situation that feels wrong.

When children learn to say no, they are asserting their identity. Remind them that they do not need to be unkind or aggressive to set a boundary. A simple, firm “no, I don’t want to do that” is enough. Encourage them to be assertive while remaining respectful. As they grow older, these small moments of saying no will build the muscle memory required to make difficult moral choices later in life. They will be better equipped to reject harmful temptations and prioritize their walk with Jesus.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

Guiding Through Mistakes

It is important to remember that children will inevitably test the boundaries you set. This is a natural part of development, not a sign of failure. When your child pushes against a limit, view it as a teaching opportunity rather than a battle to be won. Stay calm and consistent. If you react with anger, you shift the focus from their behavior to your reaction, which often teaches them nothing about personal responsibility.

Instead, help them understand the consequences of their actions. If they choose to cross a boundary, they should experience the natural result of that choice. This helps them learn that actions have consequences in the real world. Grace should always be present, but grace never removes the need for boundaries. Just as God disciplines those He loves to bring about holiness, our discipline should aim to restore, teach, and guide our children toward wisdom and character.

The Takeaway

Helping your kids set boundaries is a lifelong process of discipleship. It requires patience, consistency, and a willingness to model the behavior you want to see. By teaching them to value their own worth and respect the boundaries of others, you are equipping them to live a life that honors God. Ultimately, the goal is to raise children who understand that their true identity is found in Christ, providing them with the strength to live with integrity in a world that often ignores such limits.

Discuss and Dive Deeper

Talk about it:

  1. Read “The Takeaway” above as a group. What are your initial thoughts about the article?
  2. What is the biggest challenge you face when trying to teach your kids boundaries?
  3. How does your own ability (or struggle) to set boundaries impact how you teach your children?
  4. Can you recall a time you wish you had set a boundary when you were younger? How would that have changed your perspective?
  5. How do you distinguish between being a “strict” parent and being a parent who sets and models healthy, biblical boundaries?
  6. What is one behavior you can focus on with your kids to teach them better boundaries? (maybe it’s self control in emotions, or not being a follower with friends)

See also:

Sources for this article:

  • Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Survival Guide for Parenting (Series)

 

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Boundaries With The In-Laws

Posted: July 6, 2023

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Let’s look at some common signs of a lack of boundaries with the family we grew up in. 

  • Relational: (Second Fiddle) This is a common sign of a lack of boundaries with the family of origin: one spouse feels like they gets leftovers. They feel as if their mate’s real allegiance is to their parents. God has designed the process whereby a “man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh”
    • This is where one spouse feels displaced when around foo. Feel like the opinions or wishes of family override feelings of spouse. 
  • Emotional: (Virus) A common scenario is this: one spouse doesn’t have good emotional boundaries with the family they grew up when so when they have contact with them by phone or in person, they change. They might become depressed, angry or insecure. They give one person way too much power in their life.
  • Financial: This happens when a young couple gets into financial trouble or are trying to live a lifestyle like their upbringing and ask Mom and Dad to help out. Then the lines get blurred because Mom and Dad have more of a say in your life because of their financial investment.
  • Reverse enmeshment: The parents act like the children. They rely on you for financial support which puts pressure on your spouse and your own family budget.

Triangulation

The failure to resolve a conflict between two persons and the pulling in a third to take sides. Triangulation where family member A is mad at family member B but doesn’t confront B. Goes to C to complain and gossip.

Talking Points:
  • Enmeshment is what happens without healthy boundaries. You allow the dynamics of your family of origin control you and it negatively impacts your own family.
  • Relational enmeshment means your allegiance is more to your family of origin than to your spouse.
  • Emotional enmeshment means your emotional state is affected by your interactions with your family of origin. Your spouse might say, “You’re different around your family than you are at home.”
  • Financial enmeshment means you’re allowing your parents to have some level of control through their financial support. The reverse can also be true where you have financial responsibility for parents blurring the boundaries.
  • Triangulation is when one family member doesn’t deal with conflict directly but involves other family members in the dispute.
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. Describe your typical experience with your family. How about with the in-laws. (holidays, family dinner, reunion). What are some pros and cons to each family?
  3. Do you notice your stress level rising when you’re about to spend time with either family? Explain. Do you notice your spouse’s stress level rising around family? Explain.
  4. Of the 3 boundaries mentioned, which one best describes your family dynamic? How is each one damaging to you?
  5. Read Ephesians 4:29. How have you seen triangulation in each of your families? How has it done damage to all involved?
  6. Read Ephesians 5:31. What are some boundaries you need to put in place with your family? With your spouse’s family? How will you go about communicating those boundaries?

See Also:

View the FlexTalk version of this topic.
Adapted from Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

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