Before getting engaged, you should see more than strong feelings. Excitement and friendship matter, but the Bible also points to evidence you can observe: a relationship that brings you to life, a shared resolve to stay, healthy communication, honest confession, and the affirmation of wise community. When those line up, you can move toward engagement with confidence instead of guessing whether this is “the one.”
Dating Is Risky, but Marriage Is Worth It
Anyone who has dated knows the emotional whiplash: hope, excitement, confusion, and sometimes heartbreak. A bad first date becomes a funny story. But investing your heart for months only to watch it fall apart can leave real wounds. And yet we keep showing up at weddings thinking, “I want that.”
God doesn’t leave us guessing. The Song of Songs gives us a beautiful picture of love done right, celebrating attraction, friendship, vulnerability, and covenant commitment. It shows us both what you should feel and what you should see as a relationship moves toward marriage.
What You Should Feel
Excitement rooted in character. The Song of Songs opens with unfiltered attraction.
Song of Songs 1:2-3 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— for your love is more delightful than wine. Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the young women love you!
Excitement isn’t shallow or sinful. It’s part of God’s design. But notice the line “your name is like perfume poured out.” In the Bible, a name stands for a person’s character and reputation. “A good name is more desirable than great riches” (Proverbs 22:1). The deepest attraction grows when someone’s character is beautiful.
Enjoyment and friendship. This couple calls each other “beloved” and “friend.” Attraction alone isn’t enough. You need laughter, kindness, and genuine enjoyment of each other. Time together should multiply life, not drain it.
Growth and life. Healthy love feels like spring: “See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth” (Song of Songs 2:11-12). Ask yourself: Am I becoming more alive in my faith, character, and joy because of this relationship, or less?
What You Should See
A growing resolve to stay. Love matures into commitment before vows are ever spoken.
Song of Songs 8:6-7 Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If one were to give all the wealth of one’s house for love, it would be utterly scorned.
Do you both work through conflict instead of looking for the exit? Engagement requires an inner decision: “We’re going to win together.”
Healthy communication. Conflict is inevitable. What matters is how you handle it. “The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit” (Proverbs 15:4). If your conversations regularly cut, silence, or shame, that’s not good preparation for a covenant.
The courage to confess. As intimacy deepens, honesty becomes essential. Before engagement, there needs to be openness about past failures, wounds, and sins.
Proverbs 28:13 Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.
Confession builds trust and reveals whether the other person can love you the way Christ does, knowing everything and loving you anyway. (For help with this, see How Much Should I Tell Someone I’m Dating About My Past?)
Community affirmation. “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards” (Song of Songs 2:15). Wise friends and mentors help you spot the small problems that can quietly ruin a relationship. God often confirms a good match through good community. (See also How Can I Know If I’ve Found the Right Person to Marry?)
The Love Behind Every Good Love
Ultimately, every good human love points to a greater one. Paul says husbands should love their wives “just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy” (Ephesians 5:25-26). Jesus pursues his bride knowing every flaw and giving himself fully. Before you can love someone well, you need to be loved deeply by God. When his grace shapes you, your relationships begin to reflect his design. If you’re asking whether you’re ready for that step, see Am I Ready to Get Married?
Inspired by Ben Stuart’s message “Engaged: How To Know That You Know” on the Passion City Church DC podcast, part of his series based on the book Single, Dating, Engaged, Married.
The Takeaway
Feelings matter, but they aren’t enough. Before getting engaged, look for a relationship that brings you life, a shared resolve to stay, healthy communication, honest confession, and the blessing of wise community. When those line up, you can move toward engagement with confidence.
