Managing difficult behaviors in a church setting can be one of the most stressful parts of children’s ministry. When a child is disruptive, aggressive, or defiant, our natural instinct is often to focus on discipline and order. However, from a biblical perspective, every “misbehavior” is an opportunity for ministry. By looking beneath the surface of the behavior to find the unmet need, we can respond with grace and wisdom rather than frustration.
Understanding the “Iceberg” of Behavior
In children’s ministry, what we see—the hitting, the yelling, or the refusal to participate—is just the tip of the iceberg. Beneath the surface are the true drivers: hunger, fatigue, overstimulation, or a lack of felt safety. A child who is “acting out” is often a child who is “leaving out” their feelings because they don’t have the words to express them. Instead of simply trying to stop the behavior, ask God for the discernment to see what is happening in the child’s heart.
Proverbs 20:5 Though good advice lies deep within the heart, a person with understanding will draw it out.
Creating a “Yes” Environment
Many children spend their entire day hearing “No,” “Don’t,” and “Stop.” In your ministry, try to flip the script by creating a “Yes” environment. This means framing instructions positively. Instead of saying “Don’t run,” try “Please use your walking feet.” Instead of “Stop talking,” try “Let’s save our voices for our small group time.” This reduces the child’s defensiveness and makes them more likely to cooperate. It reflects the “Yes and Amen” nature of God’s promises toward us.
The Power of the “Two-Choice” Strategy
For children who struggle with defiance or a need for control, giving them a sense of agency can prevent a meltdown. The “Two-Choice” strategy involves giving the child two acceptable options that both lead to the desired outcome. For example, “Would you like to sit on the blue rug or the red chair for the story?” or “Do you want to use the crayons or the markers for your craft?” This empowers the child while maintaining your authority as the leader.
1 Corinthians 14:40 But be sure that everything is done properly and in order.
Implementing “Time-In” Instead of “Time-Out”
Traditional “time-outs” can feel like rejection to a child, especially those who have experienced trauma or neglect. A “time-in” involves removing the child from the group but keeping them close to a leader. The goal isn’t punishment; it’s regulation. You might sit with the child and say, “You’re having a hard time staying safe with your friends. Let’s sit over here together until your body feels calm.” This models the Gospel—that God doesn’t cast us out when we fail, but draws us near to restore us.
De-Escalating with Low Energy
When a child’s energy goes up, a leader’s energy should go down. If you match a child’s yelling with your own, you are only adding fuel to the fire. Instead, speak in a lower, calmer voice. Use slow movements and give the child physical space. This “low-arousal” approach helps the child’s nervous system settle down. It is a practical application of the biblical truth that a gentle answer turns away wrath.
Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.
The Takeaway
Managing behavior in children’s ministry is less about “fixing” kids and more about modeling Christ. Our goal is to maintain a safe environment where the Gospel can be heard, but we must do so with a spirit of gentleness and patience. When we respond to a child’s struggle with compassion rather than a heavy hand, we show them a glimpse of the Father’s heart. Every redirection is a chance to point a child back to the grace and peace found in Jesus.
