Respond To Your Spouse’s Bids

Many couples believe that divorce comes from big, explosive issues—infidelity, money problems, or major betrayals.

But according to renowned marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman, it’s often not the big things that break a marriage. It’s the small, everyday moments—missed chances to connect—that slowly build up into bitterness and resentment over time.

What Is a “Bid” for Connection?

Gottman calls these small moments “bids.”
A bid is any attempt from one partner to get attention, affection, affirmation, or support from the other.
Bids can be loud or quiet, obvious or subtle.

Examples:

• “How do I look?” (Translation: Can I have your attention?)

• “Getting the kids to bed is hard.” (Translation: Can I have your help?)

• A spouse sitting down next to you on the couch. (Translation: Can I be near you?)

Whether you notice these bids—and how you respond to them—will shape the health of your marriage far more than you might think.

The 3 Ways to Respond to a Bid

Every time your spouse makes a bid for connection, you have three ways to respond.
Over time, your pattern of responses becomes the emotional climate of your relationship.

Turning Toward

This is the healthy response.
When you turn toward a bid, you engage with your partner’s attempt to connect.
It could be as simple as answering their question, offering a smile, or stopping what you’re doing to give them your attention.

Example:
Spouse: “Look at this funny video.”
Turning Toward: “Haha! That’s great. Show me another.”

What it does: Builds trust, intimacy, and love.
Each “turning toward” moment is like a small deposit in the bank account of your marriage.

Proverbs 15:1 – “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.”
Kind responses create peace and connection.

Turning Away

This is the neutral-to-negative response.
You ignore the bid, act distracted, or give a half-hearted answer.

Example:
Spouse: “Can we talk after dinner?”
Turning Away: “Uh-huh…” (while scrolling your phone)

What it does: Over time, this makes your partner feel invisible or unimportant.
They may stop reaching out altogether.

Philippians 2:4 – “Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.”
Marriage thrives when both spouses make each other a priority.

Turning Against

This is the harmful response.
You react with sarcasm, criticism, or irritation.
It not only ignores the bid, but also shuts it down in a hurtful way.

Example:
Spouse: “This parenting stuff is exhausting.”
Turning Against: “Well, maybe if you were more organized and less lazy, it wouldn’t be so hard.”

What it does: Breeds contempt and emotional distance.
It’s one of the strongest predictors of divorce in Gottman’s research.

Ephesians 4:29 – “Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.”