Responding to your spouse’s bids means acknowledging and engaging with their small attempts at connection, whether through a look, a touch, or a simple comment. In a healthy marriage, these “bids for connection” serve as the building blocks of intimacy. When you turn toward your spouse’s bid, you validate their value and strengthen your emotional bond, reflecting the kind of attentive, sacrificial love Jesus models for his church.
Understanding the Concept of Emotional Bids
The idea of a “bid for connection” was popularized by Dr. John Gottman, but the heart of the concept is deeply biblical. A bid is any attempt from one partner to get attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive response. It might be as simple as your husband pointing at a bird outside the window or your wife sighing heavily after a long day. These aren’t just random moments; they are invitations to be seen and known.
When your spouse reaches out, they are essentially asking, “Are you there for me? Do I matter to you?” In a Christian marriage, we are called to put the interests of others above our own. This starts with the small things. If we ignore these tiny invitations, we create a culture of loneliness. However, when we prioritize these moments, we build a “reservoir of goodwill” that helps the marriage weather much larger storms.
The Three Ways We Respond to Bids
In every interaction, you have three choices when your spouse reaches out. You can turn toward, turn away, or turn against. Turning toward means you engage with the bid. If your spouse says, “Look at that sunset,” and you stop what you’re doing to look and agree, you have turned toward them. This creates a sense of safety and belonging. It tells your spouse that what they care about, you care about too.
Turning away is often more subtle but can be just as damaging over time. This happens when you ignore the bid, perhaps because you are distracted by your phone or a work project. You don’t necessarily mean to be mean; you’re just preoccupied. Turning against is a more hostile reaction, where you respond with a “shushing” motion or a sharp remark like, “Can’t you see I’m busy?” Both of these negative responses leave the bidding spouse feeling rejected and less likely to reach out in the future.
Why Attentiveness Matters to God
God is the ultimate example of someone who responds to bids for connection. Throughout the Bible, we see a God who hears the cries of his people and leans in to listen. David writes in the Psalms about how God doesn’t ignore our reaching heart.
Psalm 34:15 The eyes of the Lord watch over the righteous; his ears are open to their cries.
As followers of Jesus, we want to reflect his character in our most intimate relationship. When we respond to a spouse’s bid, we are treating our spouse as an image-bearer of God who is worthy of our time and energy. This doesn’t mean you have to drop everything 100% of the time, but it does mean your general posture should be one of “turning toward.” Even a quick acknowledgement like, “I see that, honey! Give me five minutes to finish this and I’d love to hear more,” counts as turning toward.
Building Intimacy Through Small Moments
Many couples think that a great marriage is built on grand gestures like expensive vacations or anniversary diamonds. While those are nice, the real work of a Christ-centered marriage happens in the mundane “micro-moments.” When you consistently respond to bids, you are building a foundation of trust. You are telling your spouse that they are your priority. This is a practical application of the command to love one another deeply.
1 Peter 4:8 Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.
Deep love isn’t just a feeling; it’s a series of choices. By choosing to look up from your screen, listen to a boring story about their coworker, or offer a hug when they look stressed, you are “covering” the relationship with grace. These small wins make it much easier to handle the big conflicts because you both know you are on the same team. You’ve proven your loyalty in the small stuff, so the big stuff feels less threatening.
How to Start Turning Toward Your Spouse
If you realized you’ve been “turning away” lately, don’t get discouraged. You can start changing the culture of your marriage today. Begin by becoming a “student” of your spouse. Pay attention to how they reach out. Do they use humor? Do they share facts? Do they offer physical touch? Once you recognize their “bidding style,” make a conscious effort to respond positively.
Remember that responding to a bid is a spiritual discipline. It requires humility and a servant’s heart. It means dying to your own immediate desire for silence or distraction to serve your spouse’s need for connection. This is exactly what Jesus did for us. He stepped out of heaven to connect with us. When we reach out to him, he never turns away. As we grow in our relationship with Him, we gain the patience and love we need to do the same for our partner.
The Takeaway
Responding to your spouse’s bids is the secret sauce of a lasting, healthy marriage. By choosing to “turn toward” their small attempts at connection, you are validating their worth and building a strong emotional foundation. This practice reflects the heart of Jesus, who is always attentive to our needs and calls us into a deep, personal relationship with him.
