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Every Couple Brings a Rulebook into Marriage
Every couple enters marriage with a “rulebook” for sex—unspoken expectations shaped by personal history, past relationships, and family dynamics. To build a healthy sex life, you have to open that rulebook together and start rewriting it in light of God’s truth.

A great place to begin is by sharing your stories. How did your parents express love—were they affectionate or emotionally distant? What past experiences have shaped your views on sex, for better or worse? Shame, pain, or unrealistic expectations from your past can quietly impact your present. Be honest with your spouse—healing starts with vulnerability.

The Role of Body Image in Intimacy
Your body image also plays a big role in how comfortable you feel in the bedroom. Be willing to talk about it. When couples are emotionally connected, they’re far more likely to experience intimacy on every level.

Great Sex Starts Outside the Bedroom
Remember, sex isn’t just physical—it’s deeply relational, emotional, and spiritual. That’s why the best way to improve your sex life might begin outside the bedroom. Learn each other’s love language. Serve one another. As trust and connection grow, so will your intimacy.

What the Bible Says About Intimacy in Marriage
Proverbs 5:19: “She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.”

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 says:
“The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

Another word for “deprive” is defraud, which means to cheat them.

A Word from John Piper on 1 Corinthians 7
John Piper:
“The practical application of 1 Corinthians 7:3–5 is not resolved by logic or taking turns or male dominance or female submission. It is resolved in the mystery of love that discovers even here, when our physical pleasure is more prominent than anywhere else, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive’ (Acts 20:35). There is a holy and humble and self-sacrificing competition to make the other maximally glad. The logical stalemate is broken by the miracle of grace: With God all things are possible.”

Talking Points:
  • Every couple brings a “rulebook” into marriage—shaped by family, past relationships, and unspoken expectations. To experience healthy intimacy, that rulebook needs to be rewritten with honesty and God’s truth.
  • Body image affects sexual confidence. When couples feel emotionally safe, they’re more likely to be honest about insecurities and grow closer in every area of intimacy.
  • Great sex starts outside the bedroom. Speaking each other’s love language and serving one another daily creates the trust and emotional connection that fuels physical intimacy.

Discussion:

  1. Read the talking points above as a couple or group, including the scripture references. What stands out to you, and what does it reveal about the importance of rewriting your “rulebook” for sex?

  2. How have your personal experiences—family upbringing, past relationships, or cultural influences—shaped your current expectations around sex and intimacy?

  3. In what ways does body image affect your ability to be vulnerable and connected with your spouse? What would it look like to talk about that openly and support each other in this area?

  4. What are some ways you can better speak your spouse’s love language outside the bedroom? How might that impact the emotional and physical closeness in your marriage?

  5. Read 1 Corinthians 7:3-5. Put these verses in your own words. How does this passage challenge you on your attitude about intimacy? How is withholding sex like cheating them?

  6. What are some steps you can take to make sex a more regular experience in your marriage?

Adapted from the book Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Kevin Leman.

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