Dealing with the Small Group Dominator

Excerpt: Many small group leaders must deal with people who dominate the discussion during a meeting. Here are a few tips for dealing with a dominator.

So what’s the problem?

• A common problem many small group leaders face is dealing with people who dominate the discussion time during the meeting. 
• Dominators like to contribute their insights early and often to every question. 
• They often speak up before others have a chance to say anything and often give long rambling answers to questions.
• There is a limited time available for each question and dominators tend to take up most of the time with their own contributions rather than allowing others in the group to participate.
• When denominators are allowed to continue unchecked in a small group setting it will likely lead less vocal people to check out, become passive or eventually leave the group in frustration.
• If you let a dominator go unchecked, people will become discouraged. Eventually they will drop out of the group. Worse than that, they won’t be able to process the truth together with the group and their pursuit of God will be stunted.

• Before you were leading your own small group, have  you experienced a SGD as a member of  a group? Explain. How did it make you feel?
• Have you ever been in a small group where the host was the dominator? Be sure as a host you’re not dominating the conversation

So what’s the solution?

Set discussion ground rules

• At the outset of your group make sure to set up the expectation that you want lots of participation from everyone in the group which means giving everyone an opportunity to share. You can speak directly to the issue of conversation domination before it becomes an issue so that everyone is aware.
• As the group continues, remind people occasionally at the beginning of each meeting’s discussion time of the importance of everyone participating and not having one person speak too much.
• If domination becomes an issue, say at the beginning of each meeting something like “I want to make sure everyone has a chance to talk tonight, so let’s give everyone an opportunity to share before anyone speaks twice.” When this encouragement is given broadly to everyone it helps the dominator not feel singled out or offended but hopefully to understand the issue.
• Transition: Easier said than done b/c if this worked we would not be having this discussion. =)
• In tougher situations, I will make myself available for a small, quiet side conversation in the moment, while Rich continues to lead the group.  I do my best to wrap up quickly with something like “let’s dig more into this later” and then rejoin the larger group conversation with the dominator.

Use gentle correction and/or humor

• If a dominator hasn’t picked up on the ground rules, sometimes using more direct tactics can be necessary during the discussion.
• If you need to address the dominator directly during the meeting, it can be done so gently, casually and using light-hearted humor.
• You could say something like “Now, I want to make sure everyone has an opportunity to respond, so who else has a thought?” or “Okay, Bill has already used up his answer allowance for this week, so someone else needs to step up.”
• Talk about some personal examples you have experienced as a leader or member of a group…
• Other ideas?
• In our group now, we like to choose at least one question where we ask everyone to answer.  Usually an easy question early in the conversation about “what jumped out at you about this topic” or “how did you most relate to this message”.  We have found if we begin with getting everyone talking, it is easier to keep everyone talking.

A few more tricks up the sleeve

Call on specific people

• If a dominator is usually quick to answer a question first, you can try calling on specific people by name to answer a question.
• After asking a question say something like “John, what do you think about this one,” or “Let’s hear from one of the ladies (opposite gender of dominator) on this one.”
• Has anyone had success with this? Talk about it.
• Kills two birds w/ one stone i.e. challenges your silent types to chime in.

Use body language

• Often a dominator will look to make eye contact with the leader during the discussion and as soon as they lock eyes they will start speaking.
• A simple tip is to look the opposite way of the dominator when asking a question and try to avoid direct eye contact.
• Another effective method is to try and sit right next to the dominator during the discussion which makes it much more difficult for him/her to make eye contact with you and begin speaking.
• Talk about a situation where you have tried this… was  it effective?
• Before we move on to the last straw, does anyone have other creative solutions they have tried or even thought about trying? Talk about it.
• I’ve been in some larger small groups where we have broken up into smaller groups for portions of the group, this can allow the dominator to be grouped with some of the stronger people who don’t mind speaking up along with or even over them sometimes.  And then allows some of the quieter folks a chance to share in a smaller setting.
• For the people in a group who are quieter or more reluctant to share, I do my best to encourage them and praise them any time they do share!  If we can cultivate an environment where everyone feels safe and confident to share, we can shut down a dominator before they even have a chance to make an issue.

The last straw

Talk to the dominator privately

• Sometimes if a dominator fails to pick up on all the clues you’ve given as the leader it may be necessary to talk to them privately about the issue.
• When you talk to them, give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they’re simply not aware of their pattern rather than sounding accusatory.
• Encourage them that you appreciate their participation and eagerness to to share but remind them of the importance of giving everyone an opportunity to participate.
• Assure them that you don’t want them to stop participating, but give them some guidelines like letting others share first, limiting their responses to one minute or less or waiting until you make eye contact with them to share.
• Maybe the dominator does not get a lot of opportunity to share about their faith outside of small group.  If possible, make time to meet with them for coffee, or have them over for dinner, or even just call or text them during the week..  If you can provide and encourage an additional outlet, maybe they will naturally have less to say during small group, because some of it will already have been said.

Close

• So don’t let one dominator derail your group and peoples pursuit of God! Develop the courage and skill to deal with the dominator! With some leadership from you,  your dominator can quickly move from a liability to an asset for your small group!