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How to Parent Your Adult Kids Without Losing the Relationship

Parenting doesn’t stop when your kids become adults—but it definitely changes. If you keep treating them like teenagers, you’ll sabotage your relationship. Jim Burns, in his book Doing Life with Your Adult Children, gives practical principles for navigating this tricky new season. The big idea? Shift from control to connection.

This topic will explore four core principles from Burns to help parents make the shift from authority figures to trusted advisors—and become the kind of parents adult kids actually want to talk to. Whether you’re struggling to keep your mouth shut or wondering what role you now play in their lives, this guide will give you biblical wisdom and practical advice.

Principle #1

The relationship must change as your kids become adults. Move from being the boss to being a mentor and friend. “You are a consultant at their will.” You’re not there to control but to encourage. It’s okay to grieve the change, but don’t let your identity depend on being needed.

Proverbs 22:6
Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.

Principle #2

Only offer advice when asked. Unsolicited input often sounds like criticism. James 1:19 reminds us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Let your kids make mistakes—they’ll learn more from experience than from lectures.

James 1:19
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

Winston Churchill: “You will never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks.”
Keep the long view in mind. Build a new, trusting relationship.

Principle #3

The goal is healthy independence. Adult children need to take ownership of their lives, especially if they’re still living at home. Set clear expectations: be productive, respect house rules, and move toward financial and relational independence with timelines and boundaries.

  • Be productive in the home (chores, etc)

  • Honor the moral code of the home

  • Be financially responsible and set clear goals of where they want to be in a year

  • Set deadlines for the arrangement and clear consequences if broken

Principle #4

Be a peacemaker with in-laws and a fun, faith-filled grandparent. Don’t create pressure around holidays or competing family events. Instead, leave a legacy of love, prayer, and gospel truth.

Psalm 71:17-18
“O God, you have taught me from my earliest childhood, and I constantly tell others about the wonderful things you do. Now that I am old and gray, do not abandon me, O God. Let me proclaim your power to this new generation, your mighty miracles to all who come after me.”

Talking Points:
  • Principle #1: Your role must change as your kids become adults. You’re no longer in the daily parenting phase—you’re a mentor and friend now. As Jim Burns puts it, “You are a consultant at their will.” Let go of your need to control and learn to encourage instead. It’s healthy to grieve this transition, but don’t let your identity get stuck in a past season.
  • Principle #2: Offer advice only when asked. Unsolicited input often feels like criticism to your adult kids and can damage trust. James 1:19 calls us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” Adult kids need space to fail and grow on their own terms.
  • Principle #3: Focus on helping them become independent. If your adult children live at home, clarify expectations around responsibilities, financial goals, and timelines. Avoid enabling behaviors and help them move toward maturity and ownership.
  • Principle #4: Be a peacemaker and a legacy-builder. Don’t add pressure to family dynamics—especially around holidays or in-laws. Be flexible and joyful. Most importantly, invest in your grandkids spiritually and emotionally. Psalm 71:17-18 reminds us to proclaim God’s goodness to future generations.
Discussion:
  1. Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
  2. How have you seen the shift from parenting to mentoring in your relationship with your adult kids?
  3. What does it look like to be a “consultant at their will” in real-life situations with your adult kids? Can you think of a recent time you did—or didn’t—live that out?
  4. Why do you think it’s so hard to hold back unsolicited advice, and what helps you resist that urge?
  5. What boundaries have you found helpful—or unhelpful—when adult children live at home?
  6. In what ways can you intentionally pass on a spiritual legacy to your grandkids, even if you’re not physically close or involved day-to-day?
  7. What is one change you can make this week to better support your adult child without overstepping?
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