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Understanding and Dealing with Toxic People
A toxic person is someone who consistently exhibits harmful behaviors, whether through manipulation, control, emotional damage, or fostering negativity. They create unhealthy environments, draining the energy and peace of those around them. As Christians, we are called to navigate relationships with wisdom and discernment, ensuring that we guard our hearts while maintaining a Christ-like attitude.
Signs of a Toxic Person
Recognizing toxic behavior is the first step to protecting yourself from its effects. Here are some common traits of a toxic person:
- They thrive on conflict (Manipulator). Rather than seeking peace, they enjoy stirring division and fueling drama.
- They scapegoat and blame others. As Dr. M. Scott Peck explains, toxic individuals refuse to acknowledge fault, instead attacking others to preserve their self-image.
- They manipulate for attention. Toxic people use neediness, guilt, and even aggression to monopolize your time, energy, and emotions.
Questions to Ask Yourself
If you suspect someone in your life may be toxic, ask yourself these questions:
- Do my interactions with them leave me drained and emotionally exhausted?
- Does my relationship with them steal my peace, joy, and hope?
- Are they interfering with my ability to cultivate other healthy relationships?
- Do I feel manipulated, minimized, or controlled by them?
- Do they seem to thrive in anger, malice, slander, or deceit?
How Should I Deal with a Toxic Person?
Navigating relationships with toxic individuals requires wisdom, boundaries, and a commitment to biblical truth. Here’s how you can respond:
- Label the bad behavior. Recognizing toxicity allows you to set new boundaries. Honoring someone doesn’t mean pretending they are something they are not.
- Speak the truth. Be honest, but if they refuse to receive it, stop trying. Jesus modeled this when he let people walk away (Matthew 19:16-26).
- Avoid gossip and unnecessary defense. If someone misrepresents you, respond calmly: “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
- Guard your heart by setting boundaries. Proverbs 26:4-5 reminds us to handle fools wisely—sometimes by not engaging.
- Limit your time with them. Say no to unreasonable requests and unnecessary interactions.
- Pray for them. Even toxic people need God’s grace, but that doesn’t mean you should allow them to harm you.
- Spend time with the right people who love and encourage you.
- Avoid rash judgment. Address real issues but don’t let past hurts lead you to label someone unfairly.
Toxic people must be called out for their actions, but we must be careful not to fall into the same trap of destructive behavior ourselves. Instead, we should seek God’s wisdom and set healthy boundaries while keeping our own hearts aligned with His truth.
What if the toxic person is my spouse?
- Pray for God to change their heart. Pray for God to keep your heart tender and patient. (story in book about husband focusing on Gospel)
- Draw appropriate boundaries for safety and sanity (might mean separation)
- Seek professional counseling
- Find Christian community to bolster you.
- For kids, you can’t rescue them from bad decisions. God who could doesn’t even control us
What did Jesus model for us?
- Matthew 19, the Rich young ruler came to prove his own righteousness and Jesus challenged him to sell his possessions. The young man walked away sad because he loved his stuff more than Jesus. Jesus let him walk away. He didn’t chase him down or try to soften the message. .
- Jesus retreated several times for prayer and quiet. He drew boundaries and didn’t let people demand things from Him he didn’t want to give.
- In Luke 4, Jesus returns to his hometown and teaches in the synagogue. The people didn’t like his message and demanded he leave and He did. John 13, Jesus let Judas stay at the table and even washed his feet but he also called him out.
Talking Points:
- Toxic people create conflict, thrive on drama, and refuse to take responsibility for their actions. Recognizing these traits helps us protect our well-being.
- Setting boundaries is crucial when dealing with toxic people. We should label the behavior, limit our time with them, and avoid being drawn into unnecessary conflicts.
- Jesus demonstrated how to interact with difficult people—He spoke the truth but didn’t force change (Matthew 19:16-26). If someone refuses to listen, it’s okay to step back.
- We must be careful not to become toxic ourselves. Avoid gossip, rash judgments, and reacting out of past wounds. Instead, seek wisdom and practice grace.
Discussion:
- Read the talking points above as a group, including scripture references. What are your initial thoughts about these points or about the podcast lesson (see audio above)?
- How can you differentiate between someone who is simply difficult and someone who is truly toxic?
- Have you ever encountered a toxic person in your life? How did it affect you?
- Read Matthew 19:16-26. How did Jesus respond to someone who didn’t want to hear the truth? What does this teach us about dealing with toxic people?
- Have you ever struggled with guilt when setting boundaries with a toxic person? How did you handle it?
- How can we balance showing Christlike love while also protecting ourselves from emotional harm?
- What are some practical ways to respond when a toxic person tries to manipulate or control you?
