Winning the heart of a woman can be a colossal effort. Not only is it hard to define what a woman wants in a Christian man, it can be even harder to live that out. While there are times when the deck seems stacked against us in the search for a wife, one thing is guaranteed: women want to be pursued.
Pursue, Don’t Stalk
It’s vitally important that Christian men remember to be different than the world. When a Christian man finds a woman he would like to try and date, the way in which he pursues her can elevate or sink his chances. Following her home or just “randomly” appearing in many of her favorite places aren’t going to land a date…unless it’s a date with the police!
Men need to view every interaction through the lens of this possibly being their future wife. The best approach is taking it slow and maintaining an honorable relationship right from the start. Be nice, be funny and be kind.
Women want a confident man to take the reigns when initiating a date, but it’s easy to come off as weirdly aggressive by “showing up” places without giving prior notice. If these are the sorts of behaviors you’re engaging in, you’re not exercising confidence, but passivity. To a godly Christian woman who is looking for marriage, few things are more unattractive than a man who lacks the confidence to speak to her as a human being.
Men need to pick up on social cues. This can be a lot harder than it seems, especially when a guy finds a girl he really likes and wants to dive head-first into a romance. Men sometimes focus too much on their emotions and the “idea” of being in a romantic relationship with the woman they are pursuing rather than dealing with the practical realities of the relationship as it stands. It requires a conscious effort to scale back the intense emotions that come boiling up when pursuing a woman. It’s easy to turn a woman into an idol of your imagined future wife instead of taking her for who she truly is.
Often, women can be kind to men to avoid awkward situations where they have to overtly reject them. In general, women are more emotionally-attuned than men, and they’re more aware of and concerned about how their words and actions affect others. In dating or potential dating relationships, this often means that women will not overtly come out and say: “I don’t like you that way.”
Some women are more assertive and will not have a problem saying outright that they aren’t interested. If a woman tells you this, take her at her word and move on.
With that in mind, men need to watch out for the social cues that say, “No, thank you.” If the woman you’re interested in routinely checks her phone during casual conversation with you, or if she avoids spending time alone with you, she is probably trying to tell you that she’s not interested. Pay attention to body language.
Keep God Involved
The decision to pursue someone should come from a deeply reflective place in the heart. God should be involved in a man’s plans with any woman. Prayerfully consider any possible relationship, and continue to pray for your girlfriend, fiancee, or wife at all stages of your relationship.
Men who seek wisdom and counsel from God and a Christian mentor make fewer mistakes and have less regrets. Pursuing a woman isn’t about getting her number the first time your meet, it’s about finding the woman God has for you. Patience is a must during this process. It may (frustratingly!) seem like everyone you know is married, engaged, or dating, but God’s timing, not yours, is perfect. Focus first on your relationship with him and his calling on your life. Without those things, no Christian relationship is going to blossom fully.
Should You Do This?
Often men see an attractive Christian woman and go straight for a date. They never stop to ask themselves if they should pursue the woman in question in the first place. Is that woman right for them? Are they in an emotional or financial state congruent for dating? Most importantly, are they in a good place with Jesus?
It’s a good practice to ask another set of questions: would a relationship with you be good for the woman? Is she in a good spot emotionally? How is her walk with Jesus? It’s not just about where you are, but where she is. Men should never take advantage of a desperate situation or a hurting woman, but sadly this is a recurring problem both inside and outside of the church.
The decision to pursue a woman is a big step in the life of a man. For the Christian man, it means a step toward marriage, but it shouldn’t be confused with a proposal. Pursuing a woman biblically is a process by which a man can determine if a woman could be a potential wife. Men don’t need to be afraid to pursue a woman with all they have. They just need to remember it’s a process and a foundation for marriage. If men take the time to guard a woman’s heart and pursue her with honor and integrity, their relationship will begin on a solid foundation.
[Related: Before You Date, Be Content with Your Life]
Written content for this topic by Jesse Price and Daniel Martin.
- Watch the video together or invite someone to summarize the topic.
- What is your initial reaction to this video? Do you disagree with any of it? What jumped out at you?
- Must God be at the center of a Christian relationship from the get-go? Explain.
- What is one mistake men make when pursuing women? How could this mistake be avoided?
- How does a date that honors Christ differ from a worldly date? Explain.
- How can beginning with a friendship help a relationship flourish? Explain.
- What are some differences between a healthy pursuit and an unhealthy one? Explain.
- Write a personal action step based on this conversation.