Love Is a Choice, Not Just a Feeling
Talking Points:
- Modern culture depicts love as a feeling that comes and goes. Many couples use this unrealistic standard to measure the quality of love in their marriage.
- The Bible paints a different picture for marital love: Love is a choice, not just a feeling. Love is based on a promise and is represented by our marriage vows. Mark 10:2-9, Proverbs 20:25
- The ultimate analogy for love is how Christ loves his church. He gave up his life for his “bride” even though he didn’t feel like it. Ephesians 5:25-27
Discussion:
- Describe how you think our culture (through entertainment or popular opinion) views love and marriage. Explain. How might those views be fueling the divorce rate in our country?
- Make two lists: (1) good feelings you’ve felt in your marriage (2) bad feelings you’ve felt in your marriage. How have feelings affected your marriage, positively and negatively?
- Read Proverbs 20:25. Looking back, do you think you understood the commitment you were making on your wedding day? What promises have proven hardest to keep?
- List some choices or sacrifices you’ve made for your marriage. How did you come to those decisions?
- Read Ephesians 5:25-27. What did Christ do to set his bride (the Church) apart? What would your spouse say you need to do to set the marriage apart more?
- Talk about the 5 love languages. Which one is your love language? Which one is your spouse’s primary love language?
- What are some practical ways you can start speaking your spouse’s language?
See Also:
The Roommate Spouse Is a Bad Idea
It’s easy for couples to focus on the kids and drift apart, moving from an intimate marriage to something more like a roommate relationship.
Talking Points:
- Kids are one of the main ways spouses can begin relating more like roommates. You’re so busy running your kids from activity to activity and getting caught up in the to-do list that you forget to check in with your spouse. If this pattern persists, you will feel disconnected from your spouse.
- Careers and technology can also create divides. Instead of taking time to connect, you are distracted by responsibilities at work or your Twitter feed. The danger of this is that once the kids are gone and distractions go away, suddenly you’re looking at each other feeling like strangers. There is no intimacy left.
- In order to correct this pattern, the first thing you need to do is recognize the problem. Be honest about how each of you feel about the marriage and why you feel distant and disconnected. Then, you need to remember that your marriage came first, before kids and the other distractions.
- If you want to reignite your marriage connection, you have to choose to connect. You have to make room in your schedule and room in your heart to let your spouse in again. Making your marriage a priority is a great example to show your kids of what a healthy marriage looks like. Ephesians 5:28-31
Discussion:
- Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
- On a scale from 1-10, how connected do you feel to your spouse right now. Explain.
- In your opinion, what are the distractions that have pulled you apart? When did that distance begin?
- Have you been honest with your feelings up to now? Explain.
- What have you done in the past to try to connect? What worked and what didn’t?
- Read Ephesians 5:28-31. What does this passage say about how we are to love? What are some things you can start doing to connect with and love your spouse more?
- Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?
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Trust Is Earned, Not Freely Given
Talking Points:
- Trust is relying on the integrity or ability of another person. Your ability to truly trust someone is based on their character, not yours. Deuteronomy 7:9
- Trust is earned, not freely given. That’s why every spouse needs to work hard to earn trust from their spouse everyday.
- Trust is reactive and measurable. Building trust happens slowly over time, like building up a savings account.
- Trust is reactive, but forgiveness is proactive. Extending forgiveness opens the door to restoring broken trust. Colossians 3:12-13
Discussion:
- Review the definition of trust. What is the basis of trust? Describe a time you’ve given trust to someone who hadn’t proven their integrity to you? What was the result?
- Identify one area where you’ve had a hard time trusting your spouse. Why has it been hard to trust them? Identify an area where your spouse has a hard time trusting you? Why?
- Review the 3 components to trust (reactive, measurable, takes time). Think about that area where your spouse has a hard time trusting you. How will you incorporate these components to start building that trust?
- Read Deuteronomy 7:9. What does it say about God that He is willing to earn our trust? Share ways God has shown his faithfulness to you.
- Read Colossians 3:12-13. What role does forgiveness play in earning trust? Is there an area where you need to extend forgiveness to your spouse, even if he/she still has trust to earn?
- Write a personal action step based on this conversation.
See Also:
The Importance of Forgiveness in Marriage
You can't earn trust if you aren't willing to forgive your spouse. Forgiveness is the key ingredient that moves you beyond brokenness and toward healing.
Talking Points:
- Bitterness is a cancer that will kill you first – and then grieve the whole family. Ephesians 4:31-32
- Forgiveness is a miracle pill that will move your marriage past a trust-shattering mistake. Colossians 3:13
- Extending trust is reactive, but extending forgiveness is proactive.
Discussion:
- Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
- On a scale from 1-10, how forgiving of a person are you? Explain your answer. What holds you back from scoring higher on the scale?
- Read Ephesians 4:31. How have you seen bitterness negatively impact your life or someone else’s life? Why is bitterness a waste of your time?
- In your own words, what does it mean that forgiveness is a gift you offer? What does that look like practically?
- Read Colossians 3:13. Why does it matter that God first forgave us? How should this affect the way you think about forgiving others?
- When you fail, how do you want your spouse to respond to you? What does that teach you about how you should respond when your spouse fails?
- Read Ephesians 4:32. Share how unforgiveness has impacted your marriage? List the ways that forgiveness can positively affect your marriage.
- Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?
Healthy Couples Keep Talking
Talking Points:
- Healthy couples keep talking, even when it leads to conflict. Fighting is good and helpful if you do it the right way. Ephesians 4:29
- Avoid the three unhealthy “Fight Languages”: escalation, withdrawal, and invalidation. These habits become the issues that derail you from talking about the issue you’re trying to solve.
- Healthy communicators use “I feel…because” statements instead of pointing fingers at their spouse. Learn to be an active listener and work together to find solutions.
Discussion:
- How have you viewed conflict in your marriage up until now?
- On a scale from 1-10, how often do you feel like your spouse doesn’t understand your point of view? In your opinion, what contributes to the breakdown?
- What’s your primary “Fight Language”? What would your kids (or friends) say?
- Read Ephesians 4:29. On a scale from 1-10, rate your ability to use your words constructively. In what ways can you improve?
- Review the good habits of communication. Which skill do you need to work on the most? How can those skills help you the next time you have a conflict?
- How often do you get to action steps in your conflicts? What keeps you from moving forward?
See Also:
How to Manage Your Money as a Couple
Managing money is a basic life challenge. Everyone wants to succeed in this area, but additional challenges arise when a couple manages money together.
Talking Points:
- Talking about money as a couple will lead to a better understanding of each other’s values as it pertains to managing your finances. The temptation is to assume that your spouse thinks the same way you do.
- Planners are forward-thinking. They tend to emphasize savings and the creation of wealth. Major concerns for them are purchasing a home, saving for the kids’ college, and retirement. They can become consumed with worry when they are unconvinced that enough preparation and actual saving is occurring for these types of major life events.
- Spenders “live in the moment.” They worry that there is enough money for the needs of today. While they will agree with the planner that these major life events off in the future are important, they are focused on today’s concerns.
- A simple trick to make sure you are following through on accomplishing your money goals is to have the money for savings, college expenses, and retirement set aside immediately. By setting aside these funds, you can focus on what’s left to spend on the day to day things.
Discussion:
- Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
- Share whether you are a planner or a spender. Have your spouse do the same. If you’re different, how have those differences caused conflict in the marriage? If you’re the same, how has that caused issues?
- Discuss the strengths and weaknesses of being a planner.
- Discuss the strengths and weaknesses of being a spender.
- Read Jeremiah 29:11 and discuss the way God models being a planner for us.
- Read Malachi 3:8-10 and discuss God’s directive for giving. How do you need to adjust your spending to reflect your financial goals? How do you need to make God more of a priority?
- Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?
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