Blending Families: Start With The Right Expectations
There is no perfect formula for blending families together but having the right expectations can help to lay the right foundation for success.
Talking Points:
- Blending families is challenging. You’re talking two different families and combining them together. That process is bound to bring about some conflict when each family has their own set of rules, values and ways of doing things.
- You need to think of this process more like a crockpot than a blender. A crockpot allows each individual meat and vegetable to cook alongside the others without getting lost. A blender forces the food together into a jumbled mess.
- If you want to be successful at blending your families, be ready to negotiate and adjust along the way. Matthew 7:12
Discussion:
- Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
- Describe your current progress with blending your families. What has gone well? What has been hard?
- What were/are your expectations for how your families would/should blend?
- Think about the blender and crockpot idea. Which would you say best represents your approach in bringing your families together?
- What are the pitfalls of the blender approach?
- Why is having the ability to adjust so important in combining families? How well have you done in this so far?
- Read Matthew 7:12. How can the Golden Rule help your family?
- What are some of the issues that need to be negotiated? What are some possible solutions?
- Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?
Blending Families: Make The Marriage a Priority
It's a challenge to cultivate the marriage when kids are in the mix from the start. But, a healthy marriage is the foundation to building a new family.
Talking Points:
- If the marriage isn’t strong, then the family can’t be strong. It may seem selfish to prioritize the marriage, but it’s in the best interest of your kids for you to build a good foundation that can withstand the stresses that come with blending families.
- Make a commitment to discuss everything with total honesty.You need to be totally open about your fears and concerns and commit to working through each issue as they come. Don’t wait or think that time will make it better. You have to be proactive for this marriage to be successful. Proverbs 20:7
- Avoid bringing your past baggage into this marriage. You need to see this relationship as a fresh start. If your spouse does something that reminds you of your ex or triggers some negative response, talk to your spouse about it.
Discussion:
- Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
- On a scale from 1-10, how are you doing at prioritizing the marriage? How can you improve?
- Read Proverbs 20:7. Why does your marriage need to be a priority for the sake of the family?
- Read Proverbs 12:22. What are some of the issues you’ve been dealing with so far? Are you able to speak honestly about them? Explain.
- Evaluate yourself. Have you allowed previous baggage to affect this relationship? Explain.
- Evaluate your spouse. Have they allowed previous baggage to affect this relationship. Explain.
- What are some productive things you can do to guard against this from happening in the future?
- Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?
Blending Families: Co-Parenting in The Home
The wedding officially declared you a new family but there is a long road ahead to actually becoming a family.
Talking Points:
- Tips for co-parenting in the home:
- You have to be a united front. You can’t let the kids divide and conquer. As the parents, you have to be on the same page and communicate to the kids that both adults are in a parental role in the home. Ephesians 6:4
- Have regular family meetings. This provides everyone the opportunity to share how they are feeling about things and it gets everyone on the same page. It’s also the place where expectations are set and rules are established.
- Step parents, be patient and develop a relationship with your step kids. Don’t jump right into a disciplinary role. Work at building trust and just get to know each child.
- Parents, don’t talk about your struggles in front of the kids. If there is conflict, be sure to discuss that privately and come up with a plan before involving the kids.
- When kids disrespect the step parent, the biological parent has to confront that right away. Kids need to understand the boundaries and the spouse is to be respected.
Discussion:
- Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
- Do you feel like you are a united front in the home? Explain. How can you improve?
- Read Ephesians 6:4. How could family meetings help your kids to not feel frustrated? What topics need to be discussed?
- Step parent, describe your relationship with each kid. What has been most challenging so far?
- Read Proverbs 28:26. Step parent, what can you do to better understand the heart of each kid?
- Bio parent, how do you think the step parent is doing at building relationship with each kid?
- Step parent, how is bio parent doing at supporting you? Where can they improve?
- Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?
Blending Families: Co-parenting with the Ex
You may have ended your marriage, but for the sake of the kids, you have to find a way to work together.
Talking Points:
- You may have ended your marriage, but for the sake of the kids, you have to find a way to work together. You still have a job to do in raising your kids. Use these tips to help establish a productive relationship with your ex.
- Tip #1: Divorce didn’t end your family but it did re-organize it. Remember that your kids suffer, too.
- Tip #2: Don’t put the kids in the middle of your junk. You can’t use your kids as the conduit of communication and can’t complain about the other parent to your kids. Your kids have nothing to do with your marital discord. Leave them out of it.
- Tip #3: Find productive ways to communicate. It may be best via text messages or through email. Whatever you decide, be sure to have a productive forum with which to communicate issues regarding the kids.
- Tip #4: Be ready to compromise. You won’t get every holiday you want and you may need to be ready to change parent time schedules due work or other outside forces. The quicker you both can get to a spirit of compromise, the easier it is for the kids to go back and forth.
- Tip #5: Remember how hard it is for the kids. They are the ones that have to go back and forth between families. It’s like they belong to two different countries. Each home has its own language, customs, traditions, and expectations. Your kids are constantly having to adjust. Make the transition as easy as possible for them.
- Tip #6: You can’t control what happens in the other home so stop worrying about it. You can’t force your ex or their spouse to enforce your rules in their home. If cooperation and consistency is impossible between homes, talk about it with your kids. Acknowledge how hard it must be for them to have differing rules in each home.
Discussion:
- Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
- Describe your relationship with your ex. What has been the most challenging so far?
- Read Proverbs 25:28. Why is self control so important in dealing with your ex?
- Have you or your ex been guilty of putting your kids in the middle of your conflicts? Explain.
- How has this dynamic affected your kids up to this point?
- Where do you need to compromise more with your ex?
- Read Ephesians 4:29. How can you improve in your communication with your ex?
- What are some things you hope can be consistent between homes? What are some productive things you can do to encourage that?
- Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?
Blending Families: Money Matters
Money can be a sticky subject in any marriage. Make sure to answer some important questions to avoid unnecessary fights.
Talking Points:
- 3 Questions to ask as it relates to money: 1 Timothy 6:10
- Are we pooling our money or keeping it separate?
- What expenses should be shared and how will they be paid?
- Should we create a shared budget?
Discussion:
- Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
- Describe how your money conversations have gone so far. What has been productive? What has been challenging?
- Read 1 Timothy 6:10. What do you need to guard against so money doesn’t just bring sorrow?
- Which of the three questions is the easiest for you to answer? Explain.
- Which of the three questions is the hardest for you to answer? Explain.
- Read Luke 12:15. How can you work against allowing the comparison game to enter into your money conversations?
- What other conversations do you need to have regarding money?
- Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?
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