Last week we talked about how reconciliation is possible if both spouses are willing to work hard and fight for a healthy marriage. We also said that both spouses have different roles to play.
Today we’re addressing the spouse who has discovered their spouse has cheated. Even though you may feel hopeless right now, there is a way forward. You can have a future where you trust your spouse again. Today we will talk about some key steps you need to take to be open to that hopeful future.
Take a deep breath.
You’ve just learned some devastating information and you may feel like the world is spinning. The person you thought you knew-who loved you more than anyone-has betrayed you. It’s okay, in fact it’s wise to take some time to process those initial emotions. Time is a good companion at this stage. You don’t need to make any major decisions at this juncture. You need time and space to absorb this information and may want more information as the days progress.
Seek wise counsel for yourself.
Right now, you need support. Take advantage of trusted friends and mentors. Talk with them about your thoughts and feelings. Decide what information you need know and what might be able to wait. It’s better for you to process with others than with your spouse at this point. But choose wisely. Don’t just talk to people who say what you want to hear. Include people who will speak of a hopeful future for your marriage.
Have fruitful conversations.
The truth is, you’ll have many talks but you want to be ready for the conversations of “where do we go from here.” This is where talking to others and getting counsel helps you. A few things to keep in mind:
- You want to use feelings language, not an accusatory tone .
- You want to be clear about the boundaries emotionally and physically.
- You want to speak with a plan in mind.
Be clear.
The main responsibility you have at this point is to be clear about what it will take for your spouse to earn trust back. The more specific you can be, the better for both of you. Articulate the expectations you have regarding your spouse’s time, phone, social media, and transparency in answering your questions.
Extend forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a proactive response. You can choose to forgive your spouse for this betrayal. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you excuse the bad behavior or letting your spouse off the hook. It means you turn your heart towards a hopeful future. You give your spouse room to earn your trust. You put aside bitterness and resentment to see the positive things your spouse is trying to do.
Forgiveness may be a choice you make every single day for a while. But choosing to give the gift of forgiveness is what is required of you if you want your marriage to be saved.
